I feel so lost right now
Thursday, October 29th, 2009Every morning I pick up my DS and try to find some meaning in my life. Nintendo has long been a refuge of fun for people everywhere, and it wasn’t that long ago that the DS versions of Castlevania were bringing more joy to my life than rainbows to a mentally retarded child on a rainy day. So it makes sense to me that now, in my time of need, I can look to Nintendo to provide. As I’ve always done.
I did some puzzles, sure, and then I wrote down some things and they appeared on screen as things I could use. That was alright, but definitely more the kind of thing that appeals to journalists who are forced to play game after game after game, and not really the kind of thing that normal people enjoy playing. So what now? What can they give me that will bring sunshine into my life as surely as Mario can bring water into pipes?
I know! A bigger screen! How about twice the size! That’s what I need, a huge fucking DS that I can just about fit into my bag on wheels that I take to the shops to help me bring the shopping home. On the way back I can use my HUGE FUCKING DS as I queue for my pension to do some FUCKING BRAIN TRAINING or just read WORDS because it comes with a fucking DICTIONARY installed for when my Alzheimers kicks in and I CAN’T REMEMBER MY OWN FUCKING NAME.
OH LOOK, I’VE PISSED MY FUCKING PANTS.
The only solace here is that since only grannies will be buying this hideous piece of fucking shit, nobody with decent eyesight will have to look at that Fisher fucking Price Speak and Spell menu system, and that no gamers will have to visit that abortion of a download store.
NNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH