Affectionate Diary

I want to write something that accurately conveys the hate inside me for this ‘product’ but I can’t find the words. Have you bought it? If so, you deserve what you got. Let’s face it, if this had come from anyone else, you would have laughed in their faces. You’ve been suckered by the same people who suckered you into thinking doing basic arithmetic was fun.

I was in Islington last week hoping that they’d have a copy of GTAIV in stock. Obviously they didn’t. It didn’t seem to matter to the business of the shop, though, because it was PACKED with woman buying Wiis and Wii Fit. The kind of woman who you wouldn’t ever want to have sex with. The kind of woman who will most certainly not buy another game for her Wii. All this “we’re expanding the user base” bullshit that Nintendo is spewing - total falsehood. Each Wii purchase for Wii Fit is more than just a befuddlement of the installed userbase statistic for Real Game Developers. It’s a direct dilution of the strategy of every game developer on the planet as each publishers strives to diversify its portfolio to cater for these new Wii owners. Who don’t really care.

It’s not that nobody cares about you anymore, dearest gamer. It’s that less people who make games care about you. And more importantly, less time and money is going to be spent on trying to make you happy.

It’s not getting fit and having fun doing it, because getting fit is already fun. Because getting fit is not just going to the gym and getting on a treadmill and never has been. It’s pretending that it’s the only fun choice and robbing you of your will to seek out fun physical activities. And it’s directly raping the resources that go into making the things that you love the most.

If you want to play games, don’t buy this piece of fucking shit. Don’t add to the hysteria surrounding it. You can already do fucking press ups in your living room you stupid fucking cunt. If it’s not fun then do something else, like fuck. Fucking is fun and should always leave you exhausted.

Wii fucking Fit - preying on your fear of death since 2008.

Ed Boon - what a cunt. On Street Fighter IV - “I hope they add enough new stuff”. Yeah, cos that’s what makes a fighting game good - loads of additional pointless gimmick features that amuse for a second or less. At least I know from his comments that it’s definitely NOT worth touching the new Mortal Kombat game. Not that I ever really needed validation. If a game sucks 20 times in a row, you can hardly have hopes for the 21st version.

If he meant “I hope they elaborate on the core concept and give the player lots of way to enjoy the basic premise of the game” then he might have been on to something. If he said “I hope they innovate without ripping the heart out of what makes fighting games great” then maybe he’d be on the button. But I don’t think he understands what makes a great fighting game.

On his new Mortal Kombat game - “it has dual storylines - we tell the story from the perspective of the MK guys and from the DC guys.”

FUCK YEAH, STORY!

Idiot.

“It has new fighting mechanics, transition combat, freefall combat - so you’re actually punching and kicking as you fall to a new area. So it’s going to be a completely different feel.”

OMG FREEFALL COMBAT! TRANSITION COMBAT! I can’t wait to see how the game becomes interesting as they (presumably) change the basic rules of movement for each character mid-battle.

“It’s not going to feel anything like MK Armageddon.”

Ah well, maybe there’s hope yet. After all, we don’t care how your game plays. We just want to be able to do fatalities and we’re good. Cos that’s what kids in focus groups say, right? That they’re cool. So you better have them. You do have them, right? Right? Hello?

Katamari Damacy is one of the most brilliant gameplay concepts ever, so it stands to reason that having Katamari on the PSP would be a pretty fucking awesome thing to behold.

.

On the whole, it is. It’s got the same incredibly joyous omni-snowball gameplay and the same deranged presentation, both brimming with detail, nuance and charm.

.

However, its control method is one of the most horrific crimes in gaming history. I’ll make no fucking bones about this: it’s the shit in the punchbowl. It’s a foul, idiotic thing, being both horribly clunky and spectacularly frustrating. Why the fuck I have to control my ball of PURE POLYGON JOY like a fucking tank is beyond me. I could kind of cope with the orginal’s dual-analog, even though it was fucking shit, but on the PSP it’s a nightmarish aberration of face buttons, stick movements and shoulders just to go around in a fucking circle. This is truly the stuff of gaming nightmares, like playing Halo with the 360 wheel’s pedals for looking round or something. People have defended it, saying that you get used to it eventually, but that doesn’t change a thing. It’s still fucking awful and this sort of shit shouldn’t be tolerated.

.

What’s marginally more annoying as you can never get used to it is the bizarre, seemingly arbitrary choices for what’s allowed to be rolled up. You’ll see some shit that’s clearly smaller than your ball, sometimes smaller in volume and dimensions than stuff you’ve already collected, and it tells you to fuck off. Just before bouncing you into corner where you have to slowly rotate to get out because you can’t be fucked to learn the quick 180 move, as it’s some stupid combination press rather than a single button. This is pure gaming bullshit of the very worst kind. I also hate the time limits, which seem so brutal, not to mention the lack of checkpoints on long, difficult stages that have two or three map loads in them. I mean honestly, a temporary quicksave wouldn’t have fucking hurt. What would be nice would be a dumping of that shitty time limit and introducing some puzzle mechanic for progression, where being able to access areas depends on what you have on your Katamar or something. Cunts.
.

But despite all this, Katamari is still an absolute joy. The sheer detail in the world, combined with the staggering variety of objects, casts profound beams of pleasure into my heart. The incredibly charming presentation sings to me like a beautiful bird on a really nice leafy branch in Bob Ross’s best ever painting of a forest river with mountains in the background. Going from picking up grains of salt to eating the entire world is still a fantastic journey that sees me regularly going “NOM NOM NOM” when I get on a good roll. The best is when you go back through one of the size barriers and all that shit that got in the way or fucked you about doesn’t even fucking matter cos you’re going back to eat the fucking house the whole sorry episode to place in. That kind of revenge against the game’s own bullshit is absolutely delicious and is all too rare these days. If I was god of games, I’d make full system raping the reward for finishing a game, rather than some shitty cutscene and credit roll.

.

Tell you what, though. That shit with the Rollercoaster when viewing your collection is seriously fucking awesome.

10/10

One of the best things about Mr Driller is that it started in Japan but must have been impossible for native Japanese speakers to pronounce.

If you’re going to say that it’s broken on the 360 because of the lag then FUCK OFF. Mr Driller is one of the most competitive experiences on the planet but it’s not about Vs mode. It’s about SCORE ATTACK. And the scoreboards aren’t broken. They’re just incomprehensible.

I get that they’re cumulative. But I don’t get why when I do a fast run and die once and not get all the air capsules and then I do another run and I get all the air capsules and don’t die, how come my score doesn’t increase? Surely that second score should have been better? Or maybe the scoring in this version is different to every previous Mr Driller. Who knows? And why aren’t there scoreboards for each individual board and character? And what the fuck are those flags for? Are you going to tell me that things randomly appear that can increase my score by a huge enough amount that I should prioritise them over speed, thus explaining the discrepancy in score from run to run? Surely fucking not.

The important thing, though, is that this version feels right. The Gamecube version didn’t feel right. It was too sticky. Like when Tetris left the Gameboy and has felt wrong ever since. The DS version was pretty good too, actually, as long as you didn’t go near the touch screen. Mr Driller A on the GBA was the best version FO SHO. When you scored a huge amount you would be given a password which you could then enter into a Japanese-only website and find out where you ranked in the world - the very definition of hardcore. I was 64th. In retrospect, as the game’s scoring system revolves around speed I can probably discount the scores that were double mine as hacks or people who’d figured out the password format, so I was probably more like top 50. TOP 50. And I won’t rest till I’m in the top 50 in the 360 version either. If only I could figure out how it determines scores.

If Boss Nonnu was to describe the Mr Driller experience for me he would say something like the excellent blend of rhythmic tapping and ultra-fast leanings towards vague strategy combine to produce fucking brilliant sensations of delirious joy. Or something like that. He’d probably be spot on.

It’s not just drill drill drill drill move drill move drill. Well, it is, but it’s not. It’s MORE than that. If you’ve not played a Mr Driller before, this is an excellent place to start. Probably play it on a stick, though. Then when you’re done, go check out Mr Driller A on the GBA.

Scores
Susumu Hori - 5 out of 10
Taizo Hori - 8 out of 10 for short runs, but for anything over 1000m almost completely useless
The girl one - 7 out of 10
The robot, Dilinger Z or something - 3 out of 10
The dog - 0 out of 10
Ataru Hori - 10 out of 10
Overall - Ataru out of the Horis.

It says a fuck of a lot about the games business that Rainbow Six Vegas 2 is:

A) Set in Vegas again

B) Even more of an arcade shooter ‘experience’ than ever

This shit is pretty much unforgivable when you think how distant it’s become from its root concept - to provide hellishly brutal and tactically demanding anti-terrorist missions. Gone are the small, deliciously taut levels such as that wicked one in the tube station and that chemical weapons factory on a farm, or mad fucked-up shit like that hydro-electric dam and the plane hostage crisis where you had your sniper fuck the shit out of some terrorist dude’s head whilst you stormed the cabin. Instead, we have sprawling environments that feel much closer to linear channels and set-piece arenas especially designed for the very latest in cinematic simulated battle experiences. We get camera zoom-outs for taking cover and a collection of influences from titles way below the series in terms of tactical richness. This, whilst providing an engaging and polished killing experience, is so far removed from what I loved about the early Rainbow Six titles that I felt like properly smashing some shit up. Tears were welling in my eyes when I saw the sweet graphics and fired the guns. When I saw the RPG stuff, I pretty much had a complete breakdown and had to call several friends for support. In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact I’m allowed to use my favourite sniper rifle (a suppressed SR-25) from the start, I would have probably self-harmed.

I’m not particularly happy with all the fucking banter as well. You’re fucking Spec Ops. You don’t talk unless it’s mission critical.

-10/10

Monster Hunter is definitely rubbish. Rubbish controls, rubbish tutorial, rubbish loading, rubbish at telling you what the items/buffs/abilities/weapons do, rubbish everything. In spite of being rubbish, though, it’s also TOTALLY FUCKING BRILLIANT. It has a soul. It compels you to play it by enticing you with promises of one part joy for every two parts pain. Lots of games offer no parts pain but also no parts joy. I’ll take joy with pain over the crushing nothingness of the void any day. 

If you were reviewing girls, there’d be some girls who you’d review as a 7 out of 10 because they have sexy legs, watch Battlestar Galactica and have big tits, but shit hair and a massive nose. There’d be other girls who were a bit fat, and they sometimes cried because they hated themselves, and they had terrible trainers so you’d give them a 6. But if you had to choose which one to hang out with you’d choose the latter because even though she’s a fucking psycho that spends all day drawing MS Paint relationship comics, she’s FUCKING ACE to hang out with, whereas the first one mostly just watches dull fucking gameshows about opening boxes and wants to discuss the weather all the time. So sometimes, to maintain a sense of joy at the expense of your sanity, you need to choose the girl (or game) that gets you going, regardless of how much bullshit you have to put up with to get at it. That’s Monster Hunter. It’s also, possibly, Phantasy Star Universe.

I told you I only liked shit games.

Phantasy Star Universe is a shit PS2 game ported in the laziest possible fashion to 360.

THE PAIN!

Let’s not fuck about here - this game is fucking shit. So I can add people I meet to the game’s internal friends list (good). I can see where they are. Kind of. The labels for the areas in the game change seemingly FOR THIS BIT ALONE. So my friend is a the Pavilion of Air. Great! Where’s that? Which planet? Jesus. I know, I’ll invite him to my party, then we can voice chat and he can tell me. Ok, this is my list of friends, I’ve selected him, where’s the invite option? OH! Of course. It’s fucking NOT HERE, WHERE IT WOULD BE IN ANY OTHER SYSTEM MADE EVER. It took me almost five minutes of searching to find out how to do it the first time. Five minutes to a gamer looking in a game is the equivalent of walking up and down a high street for an hour and still not finding the Asda. The whole game revolves around forming parties. That Sega fucked this bit up pretty much says everything you need to know about this game’s painfulness.

Also, did I mention how lazy the fucking port it? Loading every time you need to access another 48kb of data.

And the crafting can fuck off. I’ve STILL not managed to upgrade my weapon, despite apparently having all the bits and being in the right place.

At least TRY to animate the bosses to move as they would if they were that big.

Inventory management - if you’re going to make a boing sound at least 100 times every time I do something as simple as empty my pockets into my storage area, don’t make that boing sound offensive to me on a biological level.

Seriously, this is one of the worst games ever made. And I fucking love it.

How embarassing.

Flying towards a bay city at 10 metres from sea level in a A-10 and destroying ships with your cannon is fucking wicked. What’s even more wicked it that it makes the right sound on the replay. You see, in the cabin it sounds like a fairly average cannon, but thanks to the doppler effect, outside the plane it sounds like the noise-weapon of god. And yeah, the developers have done everything they can to make Ace Combat 6 the ultimate wanking tool for jetfags.
.
Now, this means that one the whole, Ace Combat 6 is fucking brilliant. I mean, who doesn’t want to blow shit up in jets in a fucking gorgeous graphics engine with AWESOME clouds and shit? Then Ace Combat 6 is fucking brilliant - or at least it is if you’re a newcomer. I’ve shied away from the series, even though I love jets and war, mostly because I’m a fucking idiot and should have got intimately involved a lot earlier. However, that’s all okay now because I’ve got the prettiest version and I’m loving it. I’ve just unlocked the Su-33 Flanker, which is a BADASS looking plane and I’ve read that later, you can get the Su-47 Berkut, which is so unbelievably fucking cool that if you haven’t seen it and love jets, you’ll shit bricks when you click on this link:
.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1wXsygQTVA

.
But anyway, this teenage Afterburner does deliver immense thrills thanks to being at a similar level to the flight sims I dreamed of as a kid, so I’m basically masturbating the entire time that I’m playing it. What’s not so great is the shameful omission of a forza-level livery editor for your planes THAT YOU HAVE TO BUY. It’s a damn good thing that they’re sort of worth the money. The selection is pretty fucking awesome too, being a roll-call of the sexiest jets from the last 30 years. The A10 is fucking amazingly good fun and the fighters are sweet, even the aging F14. What’s more, despite being blatantly arcade as fuck, the handling feels pretty convincing in a PGR way, which is a lovely pitch to be at, giving you the freedom to push real limits beyond reality, but not totally into cartoon land. That is aside the floor bouncing, which I’ve done a few times and laughed at being bounced 100 feet into the air. Thank fuck I didn’t crash, though. I’d been flying for 25 mins. Did I mention the levels are a bit too long?
.
Finally, it’s a shame that in a game that lets you put on the full performance, complete with victory rolls and Immelmann turns, you can’t capture those moments with enough freedom to have a really fucking good wank. I mean shooting vast amounts of ejaculate when you find that magic angle that captures the approach, destruction and celebratory exit of a well-exectued strafing run. It goes quite far, but nowhere near far enough. I want long-distance cameras so I can see my canyon-weaving antics. Placeable tracking cameras would be too fucking awesome for words. I want to track the life of a SAM site from the beginning of the replay to when I blow it up with a missile. Or drop thermobaric explosives on it. Or crash into it after an immense cannon run. I want to see my A10 looming in, gun blazing, afterburner burning and like totally shit myself because it’s just too awesome, whilst I’m wanking and ejaculating constantly and shrieking with delight and weeping. I also want to see the little men fly in the air with their limbs coming off, but I think that might be asking a bit much. However, those cunts know that if you’re going to make the planes that awesome, you should at least let me pause and rewind.
.
This sort of shit should be DLC. Oh man. If they release a full replay editor I’ll do the greatest fucking stunt vid you’ve ever fucking seen. Seriously. I’m amazing at plane stunts. None of your Pilotwings bullshit here. It’s like NEEEOW to sea level. WHOOOSSSH up at the last second. FOOOMMM under a bridge with full afterburner. FOOOOMMM - launch back into the air with a victory roll and then NEEOOWWW your plane sideways between two sky scrapers.
.
The best thing about this game is that you can actually do that within a minute of the very first level if you want.
.
10/10

Ken is a cheap skank. He dies his hair blonde when he’s really got black hair, it’s too long, he’s got an amazing car and a fit girlfriend who wants to marry him. They will NEVER marry, though, because Ken’s a cheap skank. It’s just as well, really. If you think about it, when they’re at the altar and she says “I do, Ken”, brother’s gonna miss hear that because his ears are stuffed with crack and he’s gonna think she’s trying to fireball his cheap ass. He busts out the flaming dragon (all flash, no style) and next thing you know, Elisa’s dead. Or maybe her name’s Elise. Either way she’s a skank whore because she’s hanging out with Ken.

Ken isn’t the worst Street Fighter character though. Not by a long distance. The cheapest is BLATANTLY Guile. Game-freeze skanks? Check. The whole army as his back up? Check. Dead friend that he killed himself and then blamed it on Bison? Check. Guile is a cunt. As he walks up doing loads of crouching mid-kicks over and over, then sonic, then crouching mid kick, then sonic, then jab flash, then mid kick, then sonic, then OH MY GOD WHEN DOES IT END? I hate Guile WAY more than I hate Ken, even though Ken’s moveset is actually quite appealing. But even I acknowledge that Guile has gotten a bum deal in SFIV.

Where’s the dude’s hair?! It should be like a small building growing out his head. Jet planes should be able to land on that shit. He should be able to swim across the Atlantic carrying a squadron of jets on it like a fucking aircraft carrier. It’s supposed to be HUGE. That’s why he carries a comb around with him and needs to fix that shit at the end of a fight. It’s the sheer weight of his hair that lets him pull off the flash kick - torque at both ends of his body (his boots are made of iron, obviously. That’s why the crouching mid-kick hurts so much).

So let’s start it up right here. Guile needs more hair in Street Fighter IV. Capcom are right to fuck him over but this is just a step too far. Help a brother out. Write to Capcom TODAY and complain that his hair is too short. Make t-shirts up saying “Guile needs extensions”. Call your mum and get her to write a letter to your local MP. Whatever it takes.

Let’s make this wrong a right.

If there’s one thing everyone should know about Suki, it’s that he’s a fucking cunt. If there’s two things everyone should know about him, it’s that he’s a fucking cunt and that if he ever says a game is fucking brilliant, you can guarantee that it really is fucking brilliant.

Suki introduced me to Disgaea way back, when it was originally released on the PS2. I saw him playing an item world level and just thought “wtf is all that shit?”. Mind you, the stats that were coming up were seriously fucking impressive. It was at that point that Suki told me that Disgaea was, in his opinion, “fucking brilliant”. He also said it was “amazing”. Now, when Suki says amazing in that way, his brow falls into a deadly serious frown, even though he’s happy and there’s a pause in his speech before he says the word amazing. That frowning shit is fucked, right, but it underlines how special it is when he says a game is amazing in that way. It was pretty obvious, then, that Disgaea had to be both fucking brilliant and amazing in a totally serious way.
And you know what? It is. I’m not talking normal fucking brilliance, I’m talking jaw-dropping, hyper-intense, blistering luminance. Disgaea is really is amazing.

The key reason for this is the cackling glee that you get when you get rewarded for exploiting the game’s system. Obviously, the main strategy RPG thrust of the gameplay is a colossal grinding pit. The real joy opens in successive stages as you realise how high you can reach. Key milestones and exploit openers need to be spotted or pointed out to you about fifty times by someone who’s raped the game, but once you know that Winged Slayer is all that really matters, you’ll be off.

You see, Winged Slayer is a move that delivers high damage to a 3×3 square of targets immediately in front of you. You need the tile three squares behind you to be free too, but the key point is that 3×3 square. It’s the second from last move that you can learn with a sword, but when you grind a couple of characters (including Laharl, OBVIOUSLY) to the point where they get it, you’ll be near to unlocking Stellar Graveyard and the Valgipius IV map. It’s episode 10, so it’s quite a hard grind at the ‘normal’ pace. Don’t worry, if you put in the work, you’ll get a supreme reward.

What’s special about Valgipius IV is that it’s nothing but a 3×3 block of enemies. When you first reach it, it may well totally fuck you. However, you can see the value of persevering here once you’ve got Winged Slayer. Basically, this map is the first power levelling machine. You can grind every skill here. If you really want to take the piss, you can level up spell and heal areas before landing the Winged Slayer and to be honest, it will take a while to rape it properly but believe me, when you do you will FUCKING LOVE IT. Nothing beats that first straight kill of all nine cunts with one single move. This will also be your first taste of the statcrack you’ve just become addicted to. There is a map to come that will offer even more amazing 3×3 kills, where you’ll level up a newly-transmigrated character to level 64 with one hit. Yeah. 64 levels in one hit. That’s not even the highest you can take it. Suki knows exactly how high.
The other exploit that’s utterly crucial is being able to buy Foresights. This will take AGES, although Suki can tell you exactly how to get them as quickly as possible. Basically, these come with stat boosters (called ‘residents’) at the highest possible level that are free for you to move into equipment your team’s using. We’re talking XP bonuses that are hundreds of percent per resident and if you get a Legendary item, you can shove twelve of them in. Even shit items have room for at least one and with XP, weapon skill and mana gain being dominant, Nippon Ichi have given us a clear and deliberate method of ultra-sick power levelling.

What all this means is that the crucial attachment you have to characters that you’ve raised is profoundly deep. I’m so proud of my team. Barbara, the stalwart fighter who became a Ronin, took up Winged Slayer and never looked back. Thanks to transmigration, she can now omega heal, cast omega element spells and put down brutally high Winged Slayers. The beautiful thing is getting her the Tera level spells is a piece of piss and I could probably do it in an hour or two. In a word, this unique position of having total dominance over the game’s initially-presented ruleset really is amazing. I’m frowning right now. That’s how amazing it is.

Thing is, Disgaea has an upper limit. There is a pretty clear goal: top level chars, all skills, all weapons maxed, all equipment full of residents, all equipment the highest items in the game. Obviously, I’m not mental enough to get to that, but I am mental enough to want a maxed-out Laharl with a maxed-out weapon and a companion Divine Majin with the same and hilariously, it’s all within sight. It’s just a matter of grinding there.

This is why Disgaea is awesome on the PSP. I have to travel by train a lot and Disgaea really is the best companion, especially now I can transmigrate and level up to 500 in about 30 minutes. Yeah that’s right. Even better than a shy but beautiful eastern-european girl who’s longing to find out how an English geek’s cock works. I’m being serious right now. It really is.

So yeah, Suki was right, listen to Suki, play Disgaea and play it properly or you’re as much of a cunt as Suki is (which is technically impossible, but you know what I mean).

1000000000000000/10

Recently, I had the pleasure of seeing Rambo IV. One of the very best things about this film is that it features several crimes against humanity. No, this isn’t some snide entry to a heavy Stallone diss, the film does actually depict loads of war crimes as part of its deliriously brutal sensory cascade of simulated strong battle horror.

.

Strong isn’t the word, really. Jurassic Park/OMG IT’S REAL epiphany, more like. Rambo also heralds the death of the standard blood squib, as its CG bullet consequences are far more FUCK YO than an exploding plastic bag could ever be. A shame, in a way, but there you go. The important thing is the bit about war crimes.

.

Why? Well because it reminded me that I’ve got pics somewhere documenting some ace war crimes in Hidden And Dangerous 2 (the best FPS ever made).

.

Winning. In total war, two rules are crucial: corpses are there to be defiled and the very worst thing you can do to an enemy is steal their hats. For me, Hidden And Dangerous is defined by its hat-collecting subgame and I will go to great lengths to secure the hats I want. Sadly this level, whilst being one of the best in the game, suffers from a harsh deficit of hats, so these delightful peaked caps had to do. Experienced players will note that Arthur Muncie is wearing an Italian pilot’s suit, which is a right cunt to get without alerting every motherfucker in the place. One day, I will come back and perform an excellent war crime by using the AA gun. I did shoot the living shit out of an irate engineer with it once, but he was going spastic and like totally shooting my dudes so he wasn’t really an innocent.

.

Of course, once you’ve collected the hats and defiled the corpses, the only thing left to do is line them all up, shoot them again and then pile into a stolen vehicle to make good your escape:

.

On some levels, you don’t just get to steal hats, but you also get to pose in seriously wicked costumes. Sadly, I don’t have any pictures of my SSS rank hat collecting in the ’sink the Tirpitz!’ mission. My dudes looked SO CASH sporting a fresh frogman outfit with the most elite of SS headgear. In the meantime, we’ll have to make do with a couple of my guys looking badboy for the camera:

.

Check out that stolen uniform AND a stolen knife, which I stole from the dude I captured and then stabbed him to death with it. I should have taken pictures of that, really. Instead, we’ll have more horror in the desert:

This dude is like totally fucked. Capturing someone in Hidden And Dangerous 2 is immensely tricky, seeming to obey some random arbitrary rule system for when people give up. Trying to move them to places where you can pull off a wicked war crime is also immensely tricky and also incredibly frustrating. What this means is that when someone is stupid enough to surrender in a decent spot, you’re not going to let them get off lightly. For the subgame, Arthur’s done a beauty here and got an engineer to give up his clothes. As I mentioned earlier, they often go spastic with their little Lugers, so this was a particularly lucky catch. The other dude is totally rocking his desert stormtrooper outfit, which makes this picture pretty much a SSS rank.

Now, this prisoner is looking pretty defiant. You can see it in his face. This is deeply admirable when you consider what’s in front of him:

Yes. A vehicle. One of two that I skilfully commandeered and marvelously, they’re both colossal Panzer tanks. I’ve dragged some dead bodies in to up the PP for this pic, but the main source of awesome is pretty clear to see. It’s obvious what’s going to happen next:

The best thing about killing prisoners is that their hands remain tied after they die.

10/10