Affectionate Diary

Ok, so it’s just the first one, but with enough new dungeons to make your head explode! That’s what I’d say if I wrote for Your Sinclair, but I don’t, because that’s what I’d write.

Anyway, everyone’s getting it because I say so. This is the game you’ve been waiting for. Not another fucking version of PS2 Racer X or some bullshit 3rd person action game that makes you hate the analogue nub. Now you can power level everywhere. On the train, on the bus, on the toilet. Even the most mundane action becomes an opportunity to find a Legendary Yoshitsune. Divebombing 100-level dungeons is fine because you’ve got sleep mode and it doesn’t matter that you’ve seen the main plot before because the main story boards are only about 10 per cent of the game anyway. The other 90 per cent is raping Cave of Ordeal 4 over and over LOL

I doubt any of you will get that joke.

Anyway, like I said - you need this game. It’s like Disgaea on drugs! Though probably over the counter drugs that are really just vitamins.

Click HERE to read this story. Whilst you’re waiting, why not look at everything else on our blog, even though this message should really be the story you wanted in the first place.

ANYHOW,

NNN is still the best 360 title ever. If you disagree, you’re still very wrong. If you can’t get to the final stage with Inphyy, you’re fucking SHIT and everyone is laughing at you.

If you don’t understand that the key to excellent joy is to work out how the combos can be combined to best manage the crowd, you’re an idiot. You should really be dead, as technically you don’t have a brain or something.

Maybe you’re just really snobbish about games. I don’t give a fuck. If you diss NNN, you’re either insane or have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, so fucking shut your fucking mouth and fucking fuck the fuck up.

If you haven’t unlocked Dwingvatt or the 12 year-old, don’t even attempt to have even the most shallow opinion of the game. Your opinion will be completely, totally, utterly wrong unless your opinion is:

“OMFG it’s so amazing I’ve shit myself and fucking love that I’ve shit myself over how amazing this game is”.

Still here? Fine. Take this on for size:

My girlfriend, who is a girl, is brilliant at NNN. She unlocked Dwingvatt.

How does that make you feel?

Inadequate, impotent and causing a sudden re-evaluation of your understanding of videogames, I hope.

Tonight, I will be cruising around on a giant key and bombarding colossal armies of cunts with a fucking huge tidal wave. It really doesn’t get any better than that.

As I suspected, Ninety Nine Nights is a test in how hardcore you are.

Amazing features like ongoing specials being cut short by triggered cutscenes and the incredible lack of accessible health, along with the vast distances the player has to traverse if they want to regain a shred of life during a nasty and protracted boss fight are not ‘bugs’ or ‘balance issues’.

They’re all tests.

Tests of how little you give a fuck about the pampered niceties of modern gaming and how much you really, really, really want to get on with the killing.

Same goes for the tortuously long levels, BEREFT of any saving or checkpoint opportunities. Hardcore.

If you can’t take it, or think Ninety Nine Nights is shit, then you’re FUCKING PATHETIC and WEAK and DON’T DESERVE TO PLAY GAMES. FFS!

Don’t try to argue until you’ve mastered the correct use of y,y,y,x,x,y.

Instant score:

10/10

Fucking IDIOTS.

In the Sega Retail Preview brochure that came with this week’s MVC, the FIRST paragraph in the VF5 DPS refers to it as ‘Virtua Fighter 3′.

This is a fucking disgrace.

Even more infuriating is the assertion that VF5 has ‘button bashing fun’.

FUCK’S SAKE!

I’m fucking burning Sega. It’s over.

In Tekken 3, if you can get through arcade mode and beat the boss in under 5 minutes, you get to fight a super Kazuya and if you beat him, you get to fight Heihachi’s Mum and Dad. They have dying sex if they lose and that’s how Jin was really born. Heihachi watches.

In VF4 Evo, if you get three DLC wall juggles in a row during a red chest prize match, you get rewarded with a ghetto blaster for Akira and he breakdances, raps and flings his own faeces at the camera in his victory anim.

In Shenmue 2, if you have the seaman microphone plugged in, the fit bird on the motorbike shows her tits if you ask to see them in Japanese. If you do this three times in a row, Ryu turns gay and refuses to play Space Harrier.

In MGS3, if you plug a PS1 controller into port two, the game re-loads to look like it’s running on a PS1. If you then put in a PS1 memory card, you can play MGS3 with all the weapons from MGS1 except with infinite ammo and Snake has hair that’s three metres long, with incredible physics and he has 20 porn mags in his inventory that are all readable and have real naked women in them.

In Battlefield 2, if you type “home james!” into the server address box, you log into the EA mainframe and you can download every game they’ve ever made for free. The password is PASSWORD with a D.

In Sonic Adventure 2, if you make Sonic run in alternating circles for 15 minutes, he gets an erection and rapes Tails in an extended cutscene that goes on for three hours, featuring scenes of extreme degradation, greivous bodily harm and the use of excreted fluids in a startlingly imaginitive manner.

In Rez on the Dreamcast, if you press Start 30 times in the options menu, the soundtrack changes to Falco and he appears as the boss on each level. You have to make his car crash in order to kill him.

In PGR3, if you reverse around all the Tokyo tracks in an Enzo, you unlock a BMX and Andy Crane.

Because it’s hardcore.

I love it for exactly the same reason I love Dynasty Warriors. It’s hugely flawed, fucks the player over and makes life difficult, but who wants to be treated like a fucking pussy when you’re so fucking badass with a spear?

Look, you can mash up literally thousands of bastards in the space of five minutes. That kind of ego-wanking doesn’t come cheap. Ninety Nine Nights makes you pay with intrusive cutscenes, a ropey manual camera and frame rate drops, but that’s the kind of shit I fucking love.

It makes me feel like I earnt the joy it gives me.

As for those frame rate issues, LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING BASTARDS.

Bless Ninety Nine Nights. I hope Dynasty Warriors 360 steals all your good stuff.

http://www18.big.or.jp/~hikoza/Prod/

This is Ray Hound. It is mental. It’s by Mr Warning Forever, which is a mental post-modern shmup dedicated to the love of boss fights, only under a time limit.

TO PLAY:

Use mouse for everything, I think.

There are bullets. They are obvious. If you can’t work out what they are immediately, you’re an idiot.

Press mouse button to CAPTURE THE BULLETS!

Hold down the button and move the mouse to guide the captured bullets at the guns that fired them. LOL!

It’s very good.

PS: there’s a time limit and time is like your lives.

Hitman series:
Brilliant sniping. Slight attempt at realism, always good body drops and impact wound simulation. Hitman has never disappointed with its sniper rifles and I’ve spent countless hours trying to lure everyone within the range of my favourite sniping positions. Once, I copied a friend’s stroke of genius and killed everyone on the chinese restaurant / whorehouse level, stripping them all off and then lining them up in the outside bit. With the bodies near-naked and arranged into neat lines, it looked like a proper war-crime. It actually became one when I started emptying all my weapons into the corpses. My friend claimed to have shot the fat bloke off the cliff, but I couldn’t be fucked and instead took a load of screengrabs. Which I promptly lost, leaving a gaping hole in my self-generated porn collection.

Battlefield 2:
Rubbish sniping. This is quite upsetting. Despite some quite good aspects, BF2 seems to subscribe to the method of double tap sniping, although this is to ensure a kill rather than making sure the victim’s head is properly fucked up. That’s fucking rubbish.

I always try to double tap whenever I’m sniping in any game, but these days the prevalence of ragdoll deaths means I often end up creating a row of new orifices on the victim’s thigh, none of which I can run down and fuck with rabid delight. Sadly, that kind of interaction isn’t implemented in current game engines.

Rainbow 6:
Brilliant sniping. Of course, the sniping in this is fairly shit by today’s standards, but it remains a fond favourite for me. I used to populate the maps with unwitting stooges and spend hours sniping them in a methodical manner. This is probably why I’m such a fucking sweet sniper. Rainbow 6 also introduced me to the joys of supressed sniper rifles, as everyone knows suppressed snipes are even cooler than loud, total-pwnage ones with a Barratt.

Delta Force:
Amazing sniping. The wildcard. Delta Force had insanely realistic sniping, with adjustable sights for the simulated fall-off. The squeals of near-sexual delight that I erupted with following the impact of a bullet into a distant enemy’s head (from directly above them) were probably the happiest noises I’ve ever made. You can stuff your fucking Mario 64 cannons up your jacksie. THIS WAS PROPER BALLISTICS.

Operation Flashpoint:
Brilliant sniping. OpFlash was a SICK game, both in terms of graphics tech, sheer scope and perceived realism. Needless to say, the sniping in this was brilliant. Once, I crawled on my belly for about two hours (at the fastest accelerated time setting) in order to shoot an officer. Why? I’d fallen down a steep slope and broken both of my legs. REALISM x 1000!

I still remember the rapture I felt when hiding on a rainy hillside, triggering some road-based booby traps to blow up a convoy and then sniping down all the FOOLS that thought investigating the burning wrecks was a good idea. Despite my superior tactics, I ended up falling down a slope and breaking both my legs again, but that didn’t taint the memory and I still freely masturbate over it on a regular basis.

Hidden And Dangerous 2:
Ultimate Sniping. The sniping in this was fucking brilliant, but that was mostly due to the whole game being fucking brilliant. That’s all I can say, really, as I can’t actually remember any specific incidents, just that the whole game was unbridled war-joy, albeit with some astonishing shit bugs. There was that time I sniped about 20 soldiers from behind a door, but I can’t remember how it turned out because I was enjoying it too much.

Ghost Recon:
Brilliant sniping. This is mostly due to it so closely related to Rainbow 6. In the very first Rainbow 6, I loved nothing more than filling that chemical weapons lab level with goons and sniping the door so they ran out to headshot after headshot. Grenades were also a brilliant laugh. Ghost Recon was no exception. I fiddled with all the levels to make them sniper hunting grounds, with the Red Square map being the real jewel in the crown. I sniped people to death in every conceivable part of their body in that game, the best being fatal snipings due to successive hand injuries.

Hoho, both Boss Nonnu and myself have just finished reading one of those “what RPGs have taught me” things, which was really funny because it said things like “it’s ok to rifle through someone’s furniture when I’m in their house.”

LOL!

So we decided to do our own one, about games in general. I hope you find it as funny as we did the RPG one - we’re still doing a LOL out loud!

Things we have learned from games.

Drugs are really, really good.

LOL is a common greeting in Russia.

Weird people have magic powers like fire, electricity and ice!

Short people are really just children in fancy clothes.

Sony are brilliant but evil, Microsoft are all geeks who’ve lost weight and are evil and Nintendo are basically Wario, but even more cuntish about gold and princesses and are really, really evil.

There is only one real online gaming news site and they post everything to everybody, who in turn send it to everybody to post so everybody gets a post. Everyone posts.

If you’re rich, cash machines have a secret touchscreen menu where you can do stuff like divert money from charities and spray pigeon effluent over people queuing behind you.

Sex is like having sex, but with more sex and less non-sex.

Everyone loves an exclamation mark because of Solide Snake!

World Of Warcraft is a lie because it’s not a world but a collection of tiny continents and there’s no harrier jump jets or hovercraft, which is fucking rubbish.

There are no sniper rifles in World Of Warcraft and it is a massive scandal in the industry.

MMOs are like virtual reality but much, much, much more shit and cost more money.

Hating major publishers is really cool. Loving tiny publishers is really cool. Making a blog about being angry at the industry is pretty much the best thing anyone could do. If they want to look like something that doesn’t have a word because it’s too fucking spazzy to describe.

Every straight-edge ends up either dead or on drugs. In fact, 90% of non-specific ‘natural’ deaths happen under the influence of heroin or its analogs.

RSI is a test. The pain is the reward.

Professional gamesplayers eat old computers to enhance performance. Fatal1ty had his own cunt stapled together by Norton and Mcaffee so the Chinese hackers couldn’t download a virus onto it during competition.

Shooting a dead body repeatedly, especially the dead body of your friend, gives you an erection.

If you had infinite money, you would always put 99 credits in a machine every time you played, regardless of how many games you were going to play.

How you dress is the most important thing in the world, and takes precedence over saving the planet or winning an international competitive event of any kind.

The best way to win a race is to reverse into cars that are following you and then call them fags.

Everyone in the world is an American teen, except for you - you’re a fucking fag homo queer and you’ve been fucking OWNED, YOU BITCH, YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

All women are useless bitches who need saving (I didn’t learn that from games LOL!!)

It’s ok to fuck 12-year-olds if you’re Japanese.

If one of your team dies on a mission, it’s ok to shoot everyone else in the back of the head with a pistol and then throw yourself on top of a grenade.

If you have loads of child porn on your PC, you can go to jail. If you keep it on DVDs labelled “cuttings archive 2001-2003″ nobody will ever find out.

There are loads of children hanging out in places like Habbo Hotel.

If you doctor images of adults to look like children, you can STILL go to jail! Unless you keep them on DVDs with misleading labels.

The best way to deal with girls who repeatedly walk towards you kicking at your shins is to block the kick and PUNCH THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE, YOU BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE.

Mentally handicapped adults will have the emotional reactions of a child when you fuck them but none of the legal consequences.

As I recall, there were eight difficulty levels on the SNES version of Hyper Fighting. And that was tough. I’ve been so dismayed by people’s assertions that the 360 version was impossible that I had a bash on the highest difficulty level last night, which is represented by only seven stars. That made sense to me, since generally I’ve found it to be much easier than I remember it being on the SNES. And as I expected, I raped it. I had to continue a few times on super-cheap Bison, obviously, since he can throw you from half a screen away and has priority on pretty much everything he does.

So I guess what I’m saying is, if you can’t even manage the first round on the easiest difficulty level, you are utter cock at games and I’ve basically just shat in your mouth.