Hoho, both Boss Nonnu and myself have just finished reading one of those “what RPGs have taught me” things, which was really funny because it said things like “it’s ok to rifle through someone’s furniture when I’m in their house.”
So we decided to do our own one, about games in general. I hope you find it as funny as we did the RPG one - we’re still doing a LOL out loud!
Things we have learned from games.
Drugs are really, really good.
LOL is a common greeting in Russia.
Weird people have magic powers like fire, electricity and ice!
Short people are really just children in fancy clothes.
Sony are brilliant but evil, Microsoft are all geeks who’ve lost weight and are evil and Nintendo are basically Wario, but even more cuntish about gold and princesses and are really, really evil.
There is only one real online gaming news site and they post everything to everybody, who in turn send it to everybody to post so everybody gets a post. Everyone posts.
If you’re rich, cash machines have a secret touchscreen menu where you can do stuff like divert money from charities and spray pigeon effluent over people queuing behind you.
Sex is like having sex, but with more sex and less non-sex.
Everyone loves an exclamation mark because of Solide Snake!
World Of Warcraft is a lie because it’s not a world but a collection of tiny continents and there’s no harrier jump jets or hovercraft, which is fucking rubbish.
There are no sniper rifles in World Of Warcraft and it is a massive scandal in the industry.
MMOs are like virtual reality but much, much, much more shit and cost more money.
Hating major publishers is really cool. Loving tiny publishers is really cool. Making a blog about being angry at the industry is pretty much the best thing anyone could do. If they want to look like something that doesn’t have a word because it’s too fucking spazzy to describe.
Every straight-edge ends up either dead or on drugs. In fact, 90% of non-specific ‘natural’ deaths happen under the influence of heroin or its analogs.
RSI is a test. The pain is the reward.
Professional gamesplayers eat old computers to enhance performance. Fatal1ty had his own cunt stapled together by Norton and Mcaffee so the Chinese hackers couldn’t download a virus onto it during competition.
Shooting a dead body repeatedly, especially the dead body of your friend, gives you an erection.
If you had infinite money, you would always put 99 credits in a machine every time you played, regardless of how many games you were going to play.
How you dress is the most important thing in the world, and takes precedence over saving the planet or winning an international competitive event of any kind.
The best way to win a race is to reverse into cars that are following you and then call them fags.
Everyone in the world is an American teen, except for you - you’re a fucking fag homo queer and you’ve been fucking OWNED, YOU BITCH, YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
All women are useless bitches who need saving (I didn’t learn that from games LOL!!)
It’s ok to fuck 12-year-olds if you’re Japanese.
If one of your team dies on a mission, it’s ok to shoot everyone else in the back of the head with a pistol and then throw yourself on top of a grenade.
If you have loads of child porn on your PC, you can go to jail. If you keep it on DVDs labelled “cuttings archive 2001-2003″ nobody will ever find out.
There are loads of children hanging out in places like Habbo Hotel.
If you doctor images of adults to look like children, you can STILL go to jail! Unless you keep them on DVDs with misleading labels.
The best way to deal with girls who repeatedly walk towards you kicking at your shins is to block the kick and PUNCH THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE, YOU BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE.
Mentally handicapped adults will have the emotional reactions of a child when you fuck them but none of the legal consequences.