E3 Highlights
Because Affectionate Diary is commited to bringing you cutting edge videogame news from around the world, here’s a run down of the greatest things the show had to offer.
Best Fighting Game Anecdote
Journalist - “Did you see Mortal Kombat? It’s looking good! Much better than any of the recent Mortal Kombats! It’s a real return to original roots of the series.”
Affectionate Diary - “Sweet! How does it play?”
Journalist - “Oh, I don’t know. We didn’t get to play it. It seems you hit a launch button and then you can press anything you want a few times and then do your finishing move.”
Yeah, just like the original Mortal Kombat. We actually went to the Warner Bros stand to check out the video. It looked shit. Just like the original Mortal Kombat! Or, if you prefer, like every Mortal Kombat game ever made.
Best 3DS Disparagement
Journo - “Yeah, I mean, it is 3D, but it’s just 3D, you know?”
AD - “BUT NO GLASSES!”
Journo - “Yeah, but it’s not like when the shark comes out in Back To The Future 2, is it?
No, that’s right. It’s 3D, not holographic projection YOU FUCKING MORON.
Best 3DS Demo
Nintendo Promo Bod - “This is the Metal Gear Solid demo.”
AD - “FUCKING GIVE ME PILOTWINGS OR I’LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING COCK OFF.”
Nintendo Promo Bod switches programs.
AD - *furious masturbation*
Best Steak House
STK in Hollywood. Also, any Mortons.
Most Interesting Game That Was Both Amazing And Also Disappointing And I Couldn’t Explain Why
Space Invaders Infinity Gene on XBLA. I mean, it was basically amazing, but they really need to fill the screen with more shit, because my TV is fucking massive and worth a hundred iPhone screens. So I want a hundred times as many bullets on screen.
Game Of The Show
Busy Scissors on the Wii. It’s hairdressing brought to life via a series of simplistic mini games. The actual haircuts are technically incorrect, but the whole design process was overseen by Redken. Which shows how fucking moronic that brand is. AND they did live hairdressing! AT E3! ON THE SHOW FLOOR! Credit where it’s due, that’s exceptionally brave when you consider that 90 percent of attendees were struggling with basic hygiene, let alone making style choices beyond “this t-shirt has a logo of a product I enjoyed, please be aware that I enjoyed it.” Day one for this mother fucker, for sure.
Hottest/Sluttiest/Horniest Booth Babes Of The Show
The Game Crush girls, who as far as I could tell simply walked around in not much clothing flirting with as many guys as possible. Presumably so they could sell live cam feeds of themselves later on while they played Halo 3 with disgusting, desperate, sweaty men. I only took the asian one’s number to show them I’m immune to their pathetic marketing ploys. Paying for asians doesn’t even count as prostitutism unless they have penises. And even then, if they roughly resemble a woman it’s game on.
Greatest Thing Of All Time
The 3DS.
June 22nd, 2010 at 7:07 am
Look, there were laser axes and bondage ladies and thrones of skulls and pits of spikes and Johnny Cage made some Indian guy’s testicles explode. That’s every box Mortal Kombat needs to tick ticked, right there.
When was the last time Lion Rafale exploded someone’s nuts? When he was a sperm in his dad’s digital crotch, that’s when.
EFF YEAH, JOHNNY CAGE.
June 23rd, 2010 at 2:56 am
I would ban you if I knew how.