Bayonetta - the definitive review
Is there anything in the world better than this game?
Anyone who reviews this game and says it’s good is lying. They have no idea if this game is good, or what is going on, or why the universe is the way it is. They just know, like me, that when they play they enter a deliriously joyous trance in which they pretend (to themselves) that the combo that just came out is exactly the combo they were trying to do and that any ‘progress’ made in the game is through their succesful navigation of the environments.
LIES.
Dodge Offset. Seriously, come on. It’s a bit like the Focus Attack Dash Cancel in SFIV in that you have to modify your combo to involve a point where you hold down some buttons while you do other things. That was hard to learn in SFIV, but possible because you hold the buttons with one hand while your other hand goes spastic on the stick. Also, you know in advance when you’re going to do it. In Bayonetta you hold down a face button while you press the right trigger to dodge (and move the stick in the direction you want to dodge to, naturally), but it’s twitch reaction to an audio or visual cue that occurs as you’re mid-combo. And what’s more, you have access to this move right at the beginning of the game. In other words, it’s a basic technique. A basic technique that involves holding down a button that you were previously tapping on reaction and then pressing another button with the same hand whilst choosing a direction on the stick. Does that sound scary? Good. It’s important for you to know you’re not good enough.
I’m going to smash this game into the fucking ground. I’m not talking going through the game and getting the best medal for each section, and I’m not talking about getting to the top of some arbitrary leaderboard. I’m talking about understanding Bayonetta’s combat system and making her dance exactly the way I want her to. I need to know exactly which button presses bring out which attacks so that if I dance behind a bad guy and I want to thrust my hand in the air and shout “yeeow”, I’ll know how to do it. I don’t care about the score, or what the game thinks is a good performance, I only care about my expression. Bayonetta isn’t a game, it’s an art form through which I can communicate with the outside world. Only nobody will ever see that communication.
So basically not communication at all.
If you say no to Bayonetta, you say no to life.
21 out of 21
January 11th, 2010 at 7:28 am
Even though I already know this game isn’t for me, Im going to buy it anyway because there are reviews telling me it’s good.
I can’t make decisions for myself.
January 11th, 2010 at 7:30 am
My work here is done.
January 11th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
WHY am I forcing myself to finish The Saboteur when I could be playing this? Bayonetta has no Nazis, right?
January 12th, 2010 at 2:48 am
Not overtly, certainly.
January 12th, 2010 at 5:32 am
Well, I got it and yes, I have no idea what is going on.
Looks good though.
Is it wrong to just mash Y&B in random sequences? Should I be using particular combos against particular enemies?
Are some combos better than others?If so why ever use the weaker combo?
NOTHING MAKES SENSE as it gives me no obvious feedback. I don’t know how much damage my attacks are doing. I need it all spelt out in obvious fashion, like in Borderlands. I want CRITICAL to flash up every time I do some bad shit.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:45 am
You don’t need to know how much damage you’re donig to succeed, though. Maybe in Borderlands (not having played it I’m only guessing) you need to know damage so you can work out the outcome of the fight because RPGs need the stats so you can see who’ll be dead first. In Bayonetta you should never be trading hits regularly. You should be dancing around them, shouting “yunin haiendaiyo!”
Or something.
There is feedback, it’s just not flashing text. It’s more subtle. Look for changes in stance, audio cues and the odd lighting effect.
Obviously though none of it matters - it’s impossible to know what’s going on in Bayonetta. Even the devs don’t know. I should know, I asked them and they said “oh, I thought we were making a Virtua Fighter RPG.”
January 12th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Its a game I want to be amazing at, I want to defeat 20 enemies with 1 continuous combo.
I don’t know how my combos are going because all the info is tucked away in the top right of the screen, and I can’t look up there mid-fight.
I can finish a level with a Platinum medal and I have no idea how.
Maybe once you have mastered the combat you could produce a massive in depth guide for people like me that can’t work things out.
January 12th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Don’t glance up! You need to have a sort of lack of focal point, so you can see everything at once. Like you would playing a shmup, say, and not how you’d look while playing an FPS.
You can tell how your combo is going easily, though. Have you been hit? If no, it’s going amazingly well. If yes, you are dog shit.