Archive for September, 2009

Halo ODST gets better!

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Apparently. I’ve been told I misjudged it. Apologies if you cancelled your Play.com order based on my critique of its opening 10 minutes. Considering I’ve been playing FFXI for the last six months, you’d think I’d have incredible levels of tolerance for tedium. In the interests of fairness I’ve decided to retract my statement on how Bungie don’t have the balls to suck a policeman’s cock, and I would now like to say that I think they can and would.

I’m obviously still not going to play it, though. I’m not fucking stupid.

“You heard the music, you know the dance.”

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

It’s like a line from The Legend of Chun Li, that’s how bad it is, and you hear it within minutes of starting Halo ODST.

How fucking arrogant is Halo ODST? Seriously. I’m ten minutes in and it’s spouted a bullshit opening sequence at me, put me in a dull environment, added some stupid fucking visor mechanic that makes me constantly switch between visual modes only to realise that there’s no point in not having it on all the time, and then made me wander around without direction stumbling across boring minor encounters. It’s like they’ve said FUCK YOU, SUKI. You’ll play this fucking shit cos it’s Halo and you’ll like it, whether or not you like it. We don’t care if you have a shit time at first, because you’ll just play it! All the way! I hate Burnout with a passion, but at least Criterion know how to open. It was there I stopped playing and went back to Batman’s Challenge modes.

Why the fuck would Bungie buy back their company to put this out? This is like when George Michael fought Sony for years to free himself from his contract so that he could make the kind of music he wanted to make, and then his big fuck you to the suits was to put out a Greatest Hits album. At least he had the audacity to suck a policeman’s cock. Bungie haven’t even got the balls to do that.

You, like me, are the cause of everything wrong with games development. Or at least some of it.

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Batman is nearly perfect. So much of it is just so, so brilliant. Towards the end they kind of go a bit mental on the boss front, and the pacing isn’t 100%, but it’s so short and sweet that none of that matters. What matters is getting that x40 combo going with batarangs and ground takedowns to hit the variety bonus in the first challenge stage and not playing anything else once you’ve finished the story. I mean *MAYBE* you might do all the Riddler stuff, cos those are pretty sweet. Especially the ones where you take a photo of a question mark. You definitely agree with me on that, and you agree with me about the combat being visceral excellence and you agree with me on how alive the playing area feels thanks to judicious puzzle placement. You also agree with me that the Scarecrow bits are FUCKING AWESOME, and the bit in the morgue is excellent. You even spotted it coming because of the smoke and you STILL loved it, because you were right. Among other things.

What you also did ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE GAME is wish it was in Gotham City, and probably in co-op. Maybe with Robin. You want it bigger. You want bigger levels, more bad guys, more combat and you want to get into either the Batmobile or that Batplane thing. I’m pretty sure it’s called the Batplane. And that’s why you, like me, are a cunt.

Let’s choose a cunt’s analogy, then. Do you like football? I’ll wager yes, because of the aforementioned cunt status. Do you think it would be better if the pitch was three times the size and had three times as many players? Even you’re not that much of a dick. Or how about movies? After watching something amazing (like, say, Mannequin), would you want the sequel to be twice as long with another 19 characters to follow? The answer is still of course not, that would be tedious. So bigger is often also shitter. That’s not an elegant statement, but Batman doesn’t fuck about with eloquence.

I mean, I’m sure if you gave the greatest team in the world four or five years they could build a properly wicked Gotham City that’s as packed with character and Riddler puzzles as Arkham Asylum is and doesn’t get boring to navigate, but that’s not happening. What’s going to happen is the team that gave us the completely excellent Batman: Arkham Asylum is going to be the ones who roll onto a sequel,and they won’t have five years to make it. And that team is called Rocksteady.

Who the fuck are Rocksteady? If you’re anything like my flatmate you’ll think they also made Grand Theft Auto. They made, well, I have no idea. I’m not even going to Google it and make it look like I know everything about obscure teams that can make amazing games using middleware in short time frames. But what I will tell you is that whoever they are, they can’t make Batman 2 the way you or I want it. Because they’re not superhuman. Even Rockstar can’t make an entire city that’s interesting, and they’ve been trying for literally centuries. What chance does Rocksteady have? So I don’t even want them to make a sequel. I want them to stop there and instead make something else AMAZING that we haven’t thought of yet. Because if we’ve thought of it, we already hate it. And I don’t want to hate Rocksteady for not being able to make the perfect game I’ve already imagined in my head. Realistically, though, they’ll try to. And you’ll hate it. Because like me, you’re an idiot.

Are you the UK’s best Nintendo gamer?

Monday, September 28th, 2009

What the fuck is this? Who can do the most press-ups? Who can win games designed to be won randomly? I’m well fucking fit and can do all the times tables, so I reckon I’d ace this. Unless any 12-year-olds enter, obviously, because they can probably do more sit ups and my seven times table is a bit iffy between the sixes and eights.

Batman rant to follow!

Quantum Physics: The Definitive Review

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

So, the Universe is a self-expanding fireball, where the emptiest of vacuums is frothing with activity at its smallest size, where we and everything we see are the crust afloat amidst truly vast rivers of invisible matter, knotted into a framework predicated on a mass of interacting webs, constantly expanding at an ever-faster rate. At the largest level, galaxies are distributed like pinpoints of light in crenulated waves, looking like atol reefs in an ocean, or the circular waves that course through earthly explosions.

At the tiniest level, everything is comprised from interacting fields of oscillations, coming together to form coherent stabilities in particular ways and from the description of this, the Standard Model, all physical phenomena can be modelled with astonishing accuracy. There are just four fundamental forces - gravity, electromagnetism (which accounts for light and electricity, amongst other things) and two abstract ones: the weak and strong nuclear forces. These forces mediate the four interactions *anything* in the Universe can have. It turns out that these forces are mathematically related by symmetries, so might actually be reflections of a single, unified force. In practicality, discovering this requires extremely high energies - which may be in reach of the LHC or its immediate successors. This single force would truly be the Alpha, yet it wouldn’t solve the deepest of deep problems in Physics - is the most fundamental property of the Universe symmetry or computation? To explain the face-off more clearly, consider symmetry in terms of how it is ‘broken’, or the idea that the Universe as we see it is the result of absolute symmetries of space, matter, energy and time shattered into relationships dictated by some unseen influence, like a piece of burst balloon coming to rest on an irregular surface. You could consider the unified force’s first possible interaction (protip: with itself) to cause a profoundly complex shower of assymetric debris - matter and anti-matter, positive and negative, up and down, strange and charm. But not only matter and energy, but the flow of time, and the coalescence into scale that the x, y and z dimensions won from the rest of the spacial avenues needed to sustain enough modes of oscillation for all matter and interactions. Likewise, this collapse of perfect symmetry across all things - and perhaps with it, the collapse of perfect equilibrium - also breaks the ’supersymmetry’ of fundamental particles. This comprises a complete replication of all the particles of the Standard Model with properties switched around to accommodate every possible variant within their given classes. It’s a demand of the mathematical symmetry between the forces and should some deeper broken symmetries be uncovered, this mirror material holds candidates that could explain what dark matter is - and dark energy could be the result of a supersymmetric partner for the (still speculative) graviton. Maybe. In terms of computation, the Universe can be seen as a gigantic set of sequential steps. Many operations happen in parallel, but they occur in sequences. One thing affects another in a logical manner and as such, the Universe can be understood at its deepest level as a vast computation of mathematical relationships - and let’s not forget that those relationships aren’t invented, only discovered.

So, is the Universe the computed breaking of a symmetry or is computation the result of a broken symmetry itself? One and Zero might have once been the same thing. Personally, I’m not entirely happy with singular, unified conclusions as they’re a bit too neat and pleasing to be real but you never know - if maths does do such an awesome job of describing a universe, then maybe it is a spectacular computer. It’s a bit of a shame, then, that I’ve wasted some resource and time in it looking up the skirt of a hanged Jewish woman in Brothers In Arms: Hell’s Highway.

Now don’t get me wrong - I still like a bit of WW2 and I fucking love abstracted combat that I can chew the fat over, fuck up with over-exuberance and then try to crack again in a restrained, sensible manner. Naturally, like the others in the series, it breaks down into a puzzle game of timing and position rather than the true horrors of war. I’m thankful of its beautiful gore engine, though. It turns into a FPS at times and I blew up this Nazi with a grenade and it cut him in two. His torso was in a sink and his legs were next to a bed. It was fucking sweet. I then was allowed to steal his mounted MG42 and fire it FROM THE FUCKING HIP into two more Nazis, smashing the table they were hiding behind in the process. I was tempted to play the entire game wielding that MG42, wading in whenever shit went wrong and proving that sheer RAMBO will get you past any cognitive shortcomings. Sadly, the game drops one of its glorious collection of howlers and dictates what weapon you carry at the start of every level. Cunts. The storyline, as you’d expect, is exactly the kind of sickly second-hand hero-worshiping sentimentalism the WW2 game setting shits out, still wringing the drained corpse of Band Of Brothers for every last bit of reference and cultural value. Needless to say, it’s sloshy, insulting time-wasting bullshit that offends with its fevered clamour for historical respectibility and emotional sensitivity at every dialogue piece and un-fucking-skippable cutscene.

But, y’know, the killing is really good.
21

Yes yes, Batman is brilliant.

Monday, September 21st, 2009

PLACE HOLDER!

I’m currently not around. But in about a week I will be around. At that point, I am going to puke some words onto the screen in a SPECTACULAR fashion. It’s been too long.

I’d like to say that in the time I’ve been gone I’ve grown up a bit, toned down the swearing and became a little less dependent on using caps all the time. And I can say it, but I’d be LYING THROUGH MY FUCKING TEETH.

I reckon I have about six months before anyone notices I’m back. Boss Nonnu was never gone, of course. And let’s see if we can’t bring back Itsy and Shigsy as well.