Affectionate Diary

If Oblivion was about anything, it was about rinsing every single exploitable instance for loot to take home and dump, with the sole objective of filling your house with so much awesome shit that the game crashed.

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Sadly, I never achieved this particular feat, though I did complete some of the sidequests. I liked the one about killing fucking everybody (where I got a SWEET skull for my house) and stealing fucking everything, although that one glitched and I had to advance the weird side story where you go through these gates and break down in tears about how shittily repetitive the grind is compared to rinsing out caverns and tombs. I also did the arena at an hilariously advanced stage and was able to snipe very single competitor by going invisible and using my home-made bow, the nazi deathcunt.

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It is fabulous news that Fallout 3 allowed me to do pretty much the same thing, only with an awesome pretend turn-based system and GUNS. That pretty much sealed it for me, guaranteeing a good 15-16 litres of semen with ever sitting. Well, it would have been was it not for the frankly ludicrously low amount of weapon types and a disasterously glitched main quest, which means my Oblivion mission took precedence. This time, it was due to GAME QUALITY ISSUES rather than a depressingly boring main plot.

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So now, I have a house with a dog (I don’t want him getting hurt), a front room full of miniguns and rocket launchers and a bedroom full of gore parts, with a bed filled with skulls (protip: you can only get them from super-mutant gore bags). I’ve got plenty of Med-X lying around and a truly colossal collection of teddy bears. It’s not really a patch on the staggering array of weapons, armour and shiny shit that Oblivion had to offer, but it works in the context of my super-hot recon armour sniper bitch, rocking shit with Lincoln’s Repeater and Ole Painless and her hilariously giant swings in morality, thanks to taking the wrong side mission, followed by a huge donation to a shitty church. I went from evil incarnate to god with about 2k ringpulls.

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This sort of spazzy inconsistency with reality knocks you out of the weird quarter-real place that it shares with Oblivion and into a JFC WAHT BS IS THIS? stance quite rapidly, just like when the VATS shots where you get given a hit chance of 90%, but it’s forgotten your gun is IN A WALL so the bullets can’t actually get out. The gore engine is pretty awesome. This saves the killing for the most part, though really we should be seeing decently modelled entrails with string physics by now - and I demand to know why there’s never enough blood. When I mash up three super-mutants in a tight tunnel, I expect there to be blood FUCKING EVERYWHERE and dripping from the ceiling. I also expect my character to be completely covered in it too, as I do everything indoors at extremely intimate ranges. We are in the next gen, people. This stuff should be mandatory, but it’s not one of the game’s serious fucking tragedies.
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The serious fucking tragedies here twofold:

a) The game is glitchy as hell and mine now appears ruined. I’ve not even got into the brotherhood of steel place. :(
b) There really aren’t enough guns.

That last point is pretty fucking critical for me. I want AT LEAST the same as Fallout Tactics, which had M4s, Steyr Augs, Garands and shit. I know it’s later and pre-war shit is all the more rare but COME ON. I’ve been using the same fucking sniper rifle since 30 mins in, and judging by the FAQs have no chance of getting the custom frontiersman one because the only dude in the game carrying it fucking glitched himself into the sky, then onward into infinity, when I found him in the ruined church.

Despite this nonsense, I had many lulz and plenty of kick-ass megatop actions during my materialistic reaping of every pixel of the game map. I ended up wishing it didn’t have that cartoonish main story at all, and instead had just fuckloads of random encounters and hidden sidequests, with the main goal actually being to fill your house with so much shit the game dies. I reckon it would be loads better. Especially if it was more like S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and had all the guns from Jagged Alliance 2. There are systemic issues in droves, interface issues that are borderline justifiable in an “it’s supposed to be old rubbish tech! That’s why the map’s so shit!” way and the forementioned glitching is pretty fucking unforgiveable but, the basic shit is good and theres a decent amount to do. I’m glad Fallout 3 is 80% as brilliant as I was hoping, but they were never going to let you kill any kids.

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