Archive for December, 2007

The worst game of the year by a significant margin.

Saturday, December 29th, 2007

Viva Pinata Party Animals. I’m not doing it the honour of finding out how to do the proper fucking n with the accent. It’s hard to give the concise opinion of this game because I only played it once, but during that time I definitely didn’t enjoy even one moment of it on any level. Well, it’s quite competently coded, I suppose, but by people who have never played a party game in their lives, let alone a videogame

Here are some things that are proper fucking shit about the worst party game ever made, and that includes that one on the original Xbox that Bill Gates liked that managed to get a sequel on 360 -

  • Choose your favourite pinata! Well, seeing as how I hated the original game for being a tediously slow, uncharismatic puking of colour onto my screen I was never going to love any of the characters I could choose from in this game.
  • The commentary between rounds repeats itself IN THE FIRST GAME YOU PLAY.
  • The races can be summed up as wishing they were Diddy Kong Racing, but with sub-Need For Speed handling, poorly designed and signposted tracks, three random power ups to collect and no indication of anything throughout other than you might be going forward. Also, WAY too many controls for a party game.
  • The mini games basically consist of collecting sweets in various environments, with the ‘ability’ to push other pinatas out of the way, only the sweets appear in either the same place all the time or a stupidly random way, thus ensuring nobody knows what they’re supposed to be doing. There are other mini games, but they can also FUCK OFF.
  • The commentary between rounds repeats itself IN THE FIRST GAME YOU PLAY.
  • Every other minigame is a fucking RACE, with controls as complicated as PGR but with handling and track design a mentally handicapped child that has never played games could have shat out.
  • It’s the fucking PINATAS FROM VIVA PINATA.
  • At no point during the game are you really aware of what’s going on, who’s winning (unless you’ve managed to associate your portrait with your onscreen character), how many games are left to go or what you should be doing unless you’ve analysed each brief screen with the intensity and precision of a hardcore gamer.

Even the ‘non-gamer’ I was playing it with thought it was terrible.

Whatever you do, do not take the promo you have of this game out of the shrink wrapping. If you bought it, I can only offer commiserations.

Viva Pinata Party Animals - 0/10

Christmas game 2007

Friday, December 28th, 2007

I do this every year and my game for that post-christmas holiday period is PGR4. Last year it was Prey and Just Cause, I think. I was avoiding Viva fucking Pinata and found DOA Beach Volleyball a bit hard because I can’t think like a pretend fighting woman and ended up with no friends.

I chose PGR4 because I wanted something I knew would be relatively easy-going fun and lulz. I’m sick to death of Mass Effect and just had a levelling blast on Orochi, as well as getting into deep shit in Disgaea over Christmas. PGR4 seemed perfect as I’d had a quick go, saw it was lulz and knew I could get it in the sales, even though it wasn’t reduced, although I got two for £50 with Lego Star Wars, which I’m not going to play until I see my new girlfriend next and fist her into becoming amazing at it, primarily as an entree into the Dynasty Warriors series and eventually, if she has the talent, VF. This means out of my shiny new games, I had to play PGR4 and drive sports cars instead of pretending to be Lego pretending to be a film.
Now, I can speak from amazing authority about sports cars, as my highlight of 2007 wasn’t finding out a close friend is a transsexual (although it came close), but was in fact getting expert tuition in driving track-level performance cars as fast as possible. I’ll put it like this: I floored it in sixth, ok?

In fact, I was so utterly mindfucked by the whole experience that afterwards I had many rabid Forza 2 sessions in similar cars, putting speakers behind my head and sitting really close to my stunning Panasonic Quintrix 19 inch portable in order to re-create the thrills. Needless to say, it was a COLOSSAL FAILURE.

This means I now approach PGR4 with a different view. I’m not looking to capture an essence of the real thing, I just want to burn around cities in sweet cars and go really fucking fast.

Now, this is awesome when talking about doing time trials around London, even if I can’t seem to mix ghosts from the same class, which would be really nice and piece of piss to do. However, it’s brilliant to be bumping a Gallardo off Nelson’s Column and trying to cut the apex around Picadilly Circus, thanks to the game’s awesomely playful handling. The same can be said most of the game’s event types in Career Mode, only some of them are hideous bullshit that bore me to death and I always come last. That ’superstar’ shit. Wtf. Are you supposed to do powerslides along straights and donuts all the time or what? Also, it’s awesome to see that not only does the front end trick you into thinking it’s not confusing, but that your choice of cars seems bizarrely arbitary as you go up classes. It means you get some cool rides (like the old racers), but this also means I end up racing against sweet cars I can’t have, like having to race against Ferraris in a fucking Merc, which I fucking hate. I have to do that until I pass enough events to buy some Ferraris, in which case I’m not racing against Ferraris any more and I can’t go back. Lambos are horribly scarce at the moment too. And wtf is this calendar shit? Jesus fucking christ! I can’t grind an event I really like for Kudos? And why the fuck can I only buy cars in fucking packs? What good does that fucking do me? For fuck’s sake.

What I hate is that I know they’ll make me drive a fucking RUF Porsche around the entire Nurburgring in the snow and that it’ll be a totally joyless experience for me. Fuck you, Bizarre Creations. Fuck you.

10/10

I’m loving Angels instead

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

OMG YES! Angel is the best class ever, because I never got them the first time around. Mage class is dead to me now.

So I’m locked in the power-leveling now. Instead of just focussing on Laharl, though, I’m actually raising Laharl in tandem with a thief class (Space Pirate, obviously), Ronin (about to become a Majin) and Jennifer. Jennifer’s Cosmic Arrow ability hits for about 2.5 times what the equivalent fist skill does, so don’t bother with anything else. Why four? Because having a thief with sword skill allows me to hit the 3×3 guys in Cave of Ordeal 3 so they’re at almost nothing and then have Laharl/Jennifer/Ronin type hit for very little but still kill them for the exp gain over and over, killing levels way beyond what they should be able to to maximise my exp gain. All the while leveling my thief as he accidentally kills guys because I try to keep his kill power as close to the HP of the guys on the map. To keep the balance as he goes up I have to keep increasing the levels of the monsters. It’s a fine balance that let’s me transmigrate Laharl a lot, level my thief and all the time gradually increase my efficiency.

Having a thief is basically incredible in the deep item worlds. The things you can steal! I got some false teeth that increase my speed stat by 1500 or so. I have no idea what speed even does. Crits? Evade? Also, there’s usually at least one legendary item being carried on each map. Legendary Angel’s Sandals are one step closer to the Hyperdrive (teleport to any square).

Hey Suki, I want to unlock the Angel class too! And the Majin! But how do I level shit characters quickly? Here’s how -

Have you been leveling Laharl more than anyone else? Good! Now go to Cave of Ordeal 3 and kill everyone on the map bar one. Perhaps chuck a few together so they can last more than one hit and get it down to just a bit of health. You’ll need to find your own process for this to keep it efficient, but you’ll only do it for these classes so you don’t need to be too efficient. THEN! Move your rubbish character in front of the monster with a sword equipped. Ideally they are Laharl’s student. Then move Laharl next to them for a combo attack. Student plus same weapon as Laharl = 90-99 per cent chance of combo attack. It doesn’t matter if Mr Shit is weak or doesn’t even hit, as long as Laharl RAPES the bad guy, which should be at least lvl 150 with monsters set to minimum difficulty. Laharl and Mr Shit will share the exp equally. Mr Shit levels! Useful for getting the Scout class up, which you need at 200 for Majin class to appear.

I’m off to unlock Majin class now. Perfect for getting you through the shit Christmas TV.

Monster Hunter Freedom 2

Monday, December 24th, 2007

Do you like reading text and looking at the words ‘NOW LOADING’? Then the first five hours of this game is for you!

Impenetrable is a fitting descriptive for this game (though you could say the same about Disgaea). The training quests are BORING but necessary and there’s fucking LOADS OF FUCKING READING AND THE TEXT IS IN A SHIT FONT. There’s no excuse for that. It looks a bit fuzzy and it’s tiny. It’s readable, but you have to wonder how it’s possible to get the font wrong on a machine where everybody is looking at EXACTLY THE SAME screen.

BUT, and this is probably a huge but, I’m sticking with it. Because boring stuff is ok on PSP sometimes. Like level grinding, it makes sense when you’re doing it at 8am on the journey to work when you’re still half dead. And then once I’m through all that shit I’ve got what looks like a more complex PSO, with loads of weapon types, each with their own playing styles. And I’m loving the farm and combining/crafting and all that. And when you actually Hunt Monsters you do that - you go find them, set traps, herd them into position and work as a team (maybe). I hope the end reward is worth the pain in the beginning (a billion Japanese can’t be wrong?) but I won’t know till maybe Easter.

NOW LOADING.

Disgaea PSP

Monday, December 24th, 2007

My thief is now level 1048. Which means that when I use him to steal from someone up to level 500 I get a 99% chance of success. It might be higher, I’ve not tested it yet. It means, though, that I have essentially infinite Testaments, since I can nick them from the Prinny God in Prinny Land 3. Testaments are SICK. As soon as I find a legendary I’m dropping down to level 100 and grabbing the next thing up from it from the Item God 2 there. And the item world! Dropping to insane levels is double brilliant because it’s only deep in the item world that I find new items now.

Laharl is only about 800, but he’s locked in transmigration patterns so he’s going nowhere. His purpose is POWER, though, not levels. Levels are more important to stealing than any other stat, so I doubt I’ll transmigrate my thief again. He’s already a space pirate.

My next task to run alongside my Laharl levelling task will be to unlock the Angel and Majin class, and switch Flonne to staff and focus her on Int. At least then her abilities will make sense. Not that she’ll use them, since she’ll have Tera everything, but I think it’s important to have a beast Flonne and a beast Etna.

Best. Game. Ever.

Tabula Rasa

Monday, December 24th, 2007

The more I play this game, the more I like it. I love switching between guns depending on the situation, the instances are suitably dramatic and there’s just enough prettiness of environment and variety of bad guy to keep me happy. Also, the raids on the bases deserve a special mention.

I was heading to meet someone I’d formed a squad with last night so I teleported to the nearest base and then ran out of the front doors to begin the journey. The moment I got outside I found myself in the middle of the best sci-fi shoot out I’ve ever played in a videogame. Huge robots (on our side) stomped around outside shooting their FUCK OFF LOUD machine guns at masses of Bane who were teleporting in trying to storm the base. On the corners of the base stood huge huge cannons on our side that provided the focus for the Bane assault. Fast runners would rush inside the base and run up to the turrets to take them out. Stopping the assault at the choke point of the front gates was integral, and then the moment the Bane broke through we’re all rushing back inside and taking cover behind the low walls trying to stop the elites from capturing the base completely. By this point, word has spread that there’s a serious fight happening and high level players start to teleport in to lend a hand. It was just fucking BRILLIANT. The mix of shield drones and different enemy types meant it felt really strategic. It was during this fight that I really felt the difference in my character class, something that hadn’t really hit home before in a small group skirmishes. My armour-draining guns and mech-specific weaponry meant it was really obvious who I should be hitting and where I should be hitting them from. Similarly, other classes seemed to intuitively understand where they should be and it all felt quite tactical, without the need for TeamSpeak. I have no idea what triggered the raid on the base but I can’t wait to get involved in another. Now I wish I’d been involved in a castle raid in Lineage II. 

Everyone should be playing this game, running over the landscapes in squads with chain guns, leech guns and healing discs set to area effect, everyone bunched into a small area mowing down huge fucking spider things.

Also, I think it’s REALLY important to tweak your graphics setting with Tabula Rasa, since the auto detect is fucking SHIT. You need to prioritise lighting and, to a lesser extent, foliage. The difference lighting makes is phenomenal. It feels like the game has had a complete redesign when you turn lighting on. So turn draw distance down and lighting detail up. It’s better to see less of a pretty world than loads of a rubbish world.

Also, healing is done via items. By that I mean you have a gun that heals and it takes up a weapon slot. Which I’m not entirely sure about, but I suppose there has to be some give on firepower if you’re a healer class. Crucially, though, it means that the healing class (me!) doesn’t lose out on firepower mathematically. Just tactically. I currently generally favour two shotguns, a heal gun, a rifle and a leech gun. The rifle is physical damage, which serves my needs in the Wilderness quite well, and then the other four guns are for in instances, when I will inevitably be up close to heal and then I can blast with the shotguns and choose which damage type does the most damage and also switch to the leech gun if somebody starts attacking me. I have essentially personalised my playing style so that it’s different to most other Specialist class soldiers. Which is important to me in an MMO.

Also, if anyone else is playing Tabula Rasa, we can PLAY TOGETHER! Something not really possible in most other MMOs. And by that I mean WoW.

Boss Nonnu: The Exclusive Definitive Review

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

I was seriously fucking overjoyed and then seriously fucking upset in the space of 30 seconds today thanks to tawdry proto-porn-for-12-year-olds breast pamphlet Nuts and its awesome Christmas special, which included a 6-page feature on the worst reader injuries of 2007. Seriously. It was like stumbling into a guro thread on 4chan, only with nowhere near the panache or strangeness. The issue also included lots of breasts to remind the 12 year olds that they’re still children and therefore the primary sexual organ to stimulate their own arousal will be the one they’re most likely to have had contact with - their own mother’s mammaries. Horrible, isn’t it? It explains Breaksmith’s perverted fetishes well, though.

But anyway. Nuts also had a feature on the best games this Christmas and by some fucking divine miracle, VF5 was there. OMG. However, THEY SAID IT WAS ONLY ON XBOX 360. The PS3 version doesn’t get a mention. JFC! Everyone knows the PS3 is going to sell about 14 billion this Christmas and this was a perfect opportunity to get it out the masses of pre-teens that seriously need to get into the best game ever made.

Boss Nonnu is my Kage in VF5. His name comes from the “Namu!” he occasionally shouts, only I thought it was “Nonnu”, but now the name’s stuck. Obviously. He’s awesome at fighting and can now do the buffered TFT knee in both directions with surprising consistency. He’s also learning transitions into his new stance, which is a cul-de-sac with few moves but some seriously nasty case-sensitive shit like sneaky crumples and brilliantly dark staggers.

His A costume is all-white with bare feet, no shirt and no gloves. He has a black belt around his waist and has a Katana on his back back, with a ring of throwing knives on his hip. The white with black details arrangement is topped off with a long flowing scarf that’s crimson red like the shit Bob Ross uses. He’s my own fucking badass version of Joe Musashi.

The other costumes I won’t go into, as they’re simply too awesome to describe adequately in words. One costume has GRAPE armour with grey spikey hair and pair of spectacles.
FUCK YO.

10/10

Art

Friday, December 7th, 2007

I think we’ve established that this post will be bullshit, so don’t blame me if my drunken ramblings make no sense. With that disclaimer, here is my attempt at describing what I consider to be art in videogames.

The weakest kind of arguement for art in the context of videogames is, I think, a pretty game. Okami, Shadow of the Colossus, Rez, all that shit. Fucking weakass opinion-offerers (for lack of a better descriptive) will constantly make a call to arms along the lines of “justify your habit! Tell people this game is fucking art cos it’s pretty and people will look down on you less! We’re as good as movies!”

Fuck that shit. Kate Moss is beautiful when she poses but that’s not art. Maybe the process of creating the visual style of a game like Okami is not grounded solely in pushing the technological limits of the machine in a way that basically imitates another visual form, but I doubt it. It’s artistic, maybe, but it’s not art. Well, not the visual style, anyway. That’s imitation, and beauty, but not really what I think is art.

I said that was the weakest as if there were loads, but on reflection there’s only one other justification I’ve seen - that the creation of the game is an artform. Perhaps that is, it gets tricky there. But so much is just reaction to research and refinement of technique. It’s creating something that people will love. That’s not what I consider art to be. I consider art to be expression, but in truth I obviously don’t know. But there is another form of art in videogames that doesn’t seem to ever be considered, and this is the arguement for gaming as a valid pursuit that appeals to me the most but seems to get no attention at all but must surely count as the most definitely valid and verifiable, and that’s of performance.

There’s no question that at its very highest level, martial arts are just that - art. And they’re that in a very physical sense as is, say, ballet, but definitely an artform. Many martial arts are more aesthetically pleasing than they are effective and that is, I feel, an artisitic choice. It’s certainly not a practical one, and any decision in which form takes precedence over function is a decision that perhaps qualifies for art in my books as they are a form of expression. Some games provide the ability to make those choices.

Any form of expression can be offered as art. A friend once told me that, and as he is most definitely an artist I have to take his word for it. I’m not. I do often feel that I make choices in games that prioritise my need for expression over that of function. And all games have a function. All have a sense of progression that ties everything together. So any choice I make that deviates from progressing at the absolute efficiency must surely qualify for consideration as an artistic choice. Admittedly, not many games are of a level of complexity that allow such a scenario to exist (Brain Training LOL) and those that do are often impenetrable to all but the most dedicated of followers. That’s perhaps why there’s so little recognition for this kind of expression. Dance is immediately obvious, whereas the choices that Daigo made in his now infamous full-parry match against Justin Wong are only really understandable by those that saw all of the games in that match and understood the mechanics of the game intimately. Daigo played. He literally played. He didn’t set out to just win, he expressed himself through the medium of an incredibly complex, perhaps the most intricate, fighting game.

Chibita, my own personal favourite Virtua Fighter player, regularly qualifies as an artist in my books from watching the choices he makes and realising that he is often choosing to express himself over simply winning the match. Anyone who doesn’t understand how his character works, let alone how the game works, would not see that. I remember once watching him play a match in which he used every single move in Lion’s formidably extensive arsenal, and did so as a deliberate choice. He did win, actually, but I felt that he achieved what he set out to do which was more than just win. He took the process of playing Virtua Fighter and took it to another level beyond mere showmanship. That’s art in games to me.

Other people deserve credit, I think. Saur Dash’s deconstruction of the system in Devil May Cry 3 and the choices he makes in that game can be considered as art (go search youTube for evidence). Anyone who chooses to prioritise their performance over their score in Guitar Hero can be consididered an artist, regardless of result. Anyone who chooses to crawl through a small crack in the wall in Call of Duty 4 just because it’s there is expressing. Anyone who jumps down from up high to challenge another player who has a sword even though they only have a magnum pistol in Halo 3, just because they feel the need, is expressing themself. Anyone who plays Prince of Persia and doesn’t allow the Prince to make a full rotation after grabbing any pole is making a deliberately non-functional decision. Anyone who runs up the stairs in Peach’s castle just so they can backflip onto the banister and bum-grind down is expressing. And that, I think, is art.