Affectionate Diary

El Blaze is the best. Here are my tips on making him a damage BEAST: 

His hit-throw (back, down-towards P+K), whilst slow, is half a bar of damage when it hits. But it’s sooooo slow. A treacle-like 26 frames on start up. Distancing is key here. One way I’ve been consistently landing it is to backdash just out of range of a rising attack and then execute so you hit the whiffed attack. Or indeed punishing any whiffed attack with this move is good. It’s quite safe as well, as long as you don’t get caught in the attack phase, as the recovery is five frames at most, meaning it’s not guaranteed counterable by anything. It’s also special high, meaning the attacking frames are immune to low hits. Not the start-up frames, though, so don’t chuck it out thinking you’re invincible. Also, to get the half bar you need to follow the last hit with rocket discharge and then press P immediately to hit with the mid level attack. If they are struggling fast enough to block, go Rocket Discharge into HOTDOG! This is a total round-winner.

El Blaze has a million moves that crumple. My favourite middle-distance crumpler is towards and K. Always press G just after pressing K to cancel the rocket discharge, because after you crumple you should follow up with towards and P, K. This is his elbow>knee combo. It’s pretty good damage for something so simple and works with every character. Also, follow a stagger with towards and K. If the other person isn’t struggling fast enough (which is almost all the time) you can crumple and follow up. With so many staggers, and this stabbing kick and elbow>knee follow up has tremendous range, if you get the G-cancel going you’ll find the damage falling off your opponent’s bar for a relatively risk-free attacking tactic.

Defensive Manouvre! After evade hit P+K for the canned evade attack and then hit towards for Rocket Discharge. Then HOTDOG! This works on everyone, all the time, because people are stupid. For people who it doesn’t work on, switch to P if they’re ducking the HOTDOG! If, somehow, magically they are hitting you as you run in, which hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m not going to count it out, don’t go into rocket discharge. Depending on your distance either bust out the hit-throw or backdash and bust it out.

These three simple tactics form the core of my El Blaze play. It’s not particularly technical, though you may need to spend a few minutes in the dojo practising the G-cancel from the stabbing kick to let you elbow without going into Rocket Discharge, but it provides easy damage against most opponents.

Fucking VF5. It’s sitting there, taunting me next to my Sega-branded 360 and I’m finding it VERY hard to resist shoving it in and playing it all weekend. I’ve got Conan to finish, Orochi to ‘finish’, HL2 Episode 2 to start AND I’ve got to make a fancy dress costume this afternoon.

OH GOD I MISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I’M SO GLAD I’VE GOT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE.

10/10

In Conan, right, I was dual wielding and I KOed this guy with X,Y, yeah, and this dude’s body was totally fucked up. Both legs, both arms and the head, all off in one strike. Blood fucking everywhere. It was total fuck yo.

This game is so fucking good. If only Dynasty Warriors had this gore engine.

Right, I got two swords and the Y combo chops off both your enemy’s arms and if you do X,X,X [hold X], you do a twirl that chops anyone you KO in half. Guts come out and everything. You do a piledriver - yes, the wrestling move - and it makes the recipient’s head burst. Throw a guy away and he gets impaled on a spike. This shit is what it’s ALL about.
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10/10

If there’s one thing that’s fucking hot, it’s when a computer is given a lady’s voice.

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This is spectacularly relevant to Portal, as the narrative is so intertwined with a particularly robotic lady AI, it’s one of incredibly few games where the story genuinely intrigues me. Obviously, I’m not going to give any of it away, but rest assured that the final payoff is one of the most amazing things ever to happen at the end of a game in the history of history. I cried manly tears.

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Sexy as the lady AI may be, the game isn’t about talking to her as you can’t say anything. The game is actually about portals and if you don’t know what they are and how they relate to Portal’s game design, then fuck off you fucking amateur. You should be ashamed as this motherfucker has been known for being seriously fucking awesome since the first videos appeared ages ago. However, I will say that the gameplay is generally awesome, although the wilder possibilities that arise from being able to create wormholes never really arrive - but then the fact that the game ostenisibly presents itself as a training exercise suggests that some seriously crazy shit will arrive in the future.
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Portal is relatively short, but seeing as you’ll bang through it if you dig the action and fancy the AI as much as I do, that’s not really surprising. As an introduction to a series, it’s beautifully sized and beautifully formed - but the real treasure of Portal is revealed in the many unexpected moments of wonderfully restrained charm and genuinely funny humour. Portal easily beats the living piss out of the likes of Monkey fucking Island and, if you ask me, is blatantly the second funniest game ever. God Hand is first.
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Finally, the end credits totally fucked my mind. I fainted from astonishment at how fucking amazing they are.
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10/10

Three settings - Normal, Hard and Expert. I was playing on Expert but then when I got to 5th Kyu it got a bit, well, for experts. So I’m playing it on Hard, which seems about right to me. Until I get to the mid Dans, though, when I’ll probably drop to normal.

So far, I’ve learned tons about El Blaze from playing the AI. It’s smart now. It changes its game and has good distancing. It reacts realistically and uses Offensive Manouvre a lot. It’s basically brilliant. It’s like VF4: Evo all over again!

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 out of 10

I say preview, because I can’t possibly give a definitive score until I’ve opened it up to see the insides. In the meantime, let’s take a look at my Limited Edition version, that comes with some stickers. Any other difference between this as the regular Fighting Stick EX2?

AS IF.

This is a pretty good stick, actually. I mean, it’ll definitely do you. I’m going to rip the living shot out of the insides and replace all the electronics with data modules from a Cray super computer and then wire it up to my Konix hydraulic chair, but for you, the common man, it’s fine. In fact, I dare say it’s the best stick you’ve used. That’s because it’s likely to be the only stick you’ve used. Here is some basic terminology to make you sound knowledgable when you’re at Neo Empire’s next fighting games tournament -

Square gate - this means that the stick has four corners that it slots into on the diagonals, but a flat edge on the up/downs and left/rights. This probably seems wrong at first, especially if you’re using it for quarter circles and half circles, but actually it’s my opinion that a circular gate, or octagonal, encourages over-rotation, making it less accurate in the heat of battle. Also, all arcade machines in Japan use a square gate with a loose stick and all arcades in the States, as well as the uber-shit X-Arcade stick, use a stiff octagonal gate. Who’s better at fighting games? Exactly.

Sanwa - a manufacturer of arcade machine parts. Semitsu is another manufacturer, but Sanwa is the daddy.

Travel - how far you have to push the stick to trigger a signal. Can be modified on most sticks.

“Kinging it” - winning once and then going on and on about it for ages.

[ESRB: T (Teen) SUGGESTIVE THEMES,USE OF ALCOHOL,VIOLENCE] - how is that not AMAZING?

Use of alcohol - TRUE. Every time Shun takes a drink, he gains a per cent extra damage for each drink. Also, at certain thresholds, he gains extra moves. Only teens should see this, because kids aged 12 and below have never seen anyone drink, and frankly FUCKING SHOULDN’T.

Suggestive themes - Lion, Jacky and Akira all have the ability to take their tops off. Maybe more, I dunno, but I’ve seen this much at least. DEFINITELY, though, I wanted to be fucked by Lion the moment he took his top off. Who wouldn’t? So fair play. Or maybe they’re referring to how violence gets people HOT.

Violence - does what it says on the tin. I can’t complain, really. I love FUCKING PEOPLE OVER TILL THEY’RE DEAD.

7/10

As I suspected, it makes me feel stupid. But holy shit do I like stupid.

1: The game is principally about one thing: killing.

2: You get better (MUCH better) at killing the more you kill.

3: The killing looks fucking sweet.

Here are some important points to note:

1: The normal soldiers don’t attack you because they’re SCARED. Show them why they’re right to be so.

2: The characterisation and voice acting is deliberately intended to be supreme videogame Kitsch of the highest order.

3: If you find all that killing boring, you’re doing it wrong.

4: At first, play it in easy. it’s a fucking riot.

Here’s the basics:

1: One button makes strings of slashes happen. Press this repeatedly. As your character levels up, you’ll get more strings.

2: Another button makes charge attacks happen. On its own, it does a special move. When pressed after a series of slash button presses, it makes a different ending. This can be done after the first slash button press, two, three or often four, if your character is levelled enough. Some of these have repeated charge attacks, in which case you hammer the charge button for lulz.

3: Time these charge presses by counting the number of slashes your character does onscreen, rather than the number of presses you make. This way, you can mash the slash button too.

4: Another button is for musou, which is your badass attack. It needs a special bar to be full for it to happen properly. Hold it down until the bar runs out.

5: Other buttons do other stuff, like a couple of moves that do special attacks that cost a bit musou and blocking. They’re not as important. The one that changes the map zoom is, though. You’ll need it again after you’ve pressed it once.

Here’s how to fight:

1: All that matters are the pink dots. Look for them in swathes of red on the map. Go there. Kill the people with names above their heads. Pick up what they drop.
2: The normal soliders should be considered as a crop to be harvested. Rapidly kill them in volume to create a bed of power-ups. Look for these three: musou recharges in orange-brown pots, attack power doubler as a burning axe, defense power doubler as a glowing cloak. Food is health, but you shouldn’t need that if you’re doing it right.

3: Musou is for the KILL. Don’t waste it crowd clearing, unless the crowd is raping your defense stat and you can’t get a string going.

4: Abuse the pink dots. The named officers are your worst enemy. Fuck them hard and fast. If you get the first three hits in, go for the longest string you have after that. When knocked away, chase them down and try to get behind them. Try to start a string before they get up. They’re also much easier to kill in crowds, both in terms of block chance and having powerups around.
5: You can move around as your attack string executes. Use this to maximise your killing and distribute your blows effectively. You’ll get an instinctive feel for how much damage the individuals can take, so don’t waste strikes on a normal soldier unless he’s really pissed you off (such as an archer captain who knocked you off your horse).

6: BE THE BEST. You know you can be more efficient, that you can finish the stage in a quicker time, with more KOs. Get a feel for the way your character moves as they fight to position yourself for picking up powerups and keeping combos going. Work your technique until you’re clearing entire armies in one combo, landing on food and attack doublers every time a string makes you fly in the air.

Here’s how not to lose:

1: Your allies are pricks and idiots. In Orochi, they’re also shit at fighting and really weak. Don’t let them die.

2: Always check the victory conditions before you start. You’ll know exactly who to protect. During fighting, check your minimap regularly to make sure no-one’s in the shit.

3: Avoid megacunts like Lu Bu and Tadakatsu Honda until you’re well levelled up. They’re rarely the fucker you have to kill for a stage win.

Now shut the fuck up.