Affectionate Diary

 This game is hideous shit. Yes, it’s true.

After decades of loving war, the latest game to re-create it with as much graphical glitz as possible has left me completely cold.

This is pretty much down to it being little more than a remix of previous WW2 shooters, with a touch of added pretty to make sure everyone knows it’s a proper 360 title.

To be honest, it makes me incredibly upset.

It’s fairly apparent that the shift in developers has had an impact. There’s a distinct lack of involvement and satisfaction when running through the game’s corridors of conflict and the opening settings are the usual, tired locations - presumbably chosen so that Americans will recognise from Saving Private Ryan and Band Of Brothers.

Never in the field of human endeavour have two DVDs been milked dry by so many games for such little worth.

The greatest WW2 game of all time is Hidden And Dangerous 2. It’s fucking, fucking amazing and its varied locales and challenges are a world apart from COD3’s overly-familiar levels. COD3 is more Krypton Factor than it is war, only without the wicked Art Of Noise music and the insanely hard mental agility tests. Basically, it’s the assault course, only with less blood.

ANOTHER THING that’s now worn so thin that it really fucking does my head in is the insulting sterility that almost defines the COD3 experience. For all the intense explosions, flying ammunitions and massive guns, there’s a distinct lack of horror and nastiness. The guts of war are entirely missing.

This is fucking appalling. What COD3 provides is the Commando Comics version of history. Even though it adopts a reverent stance, claiming to be a tribute to the millions of soliders that died in the wars it’s making its money from, it utterly fails to communicate the immediate horrors of warfare. It might be rated a 15 or whatever, but this is a fucking kid’s game. There is literally nothing adult or mature about the way it presents itself. It’s 100% UHT fantasy war at its most insulting.

The blood, guts and dismemberment that are as crucial to recreating war as any amount of millitaria detailing. COD3’s attention to detail is worth nothing if the battles it presents are as bloody as the average game of war in the park with sticks for guns and NER-NER-NER-NER gunfire.

‘No Guts, No Glory’ is one of the most succinct mottos relating to war. COD3 is happy to follow it literally. There’s no guts in it and it’s not even remotely glorious. People ask when games will be taken as a mature artform. Perhaps when they stop being so immature is the classic wit’s response. COD3 demonstrates that problem admirably.

MIND YOU, MY MATE SAID IT GETS GRATE HALFWAY THRU SO FUCK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOVE! BUT DROP THE FUCKING JEEPS AND TANKS FOR FUCK’S SAKE. THEY’RE BULLSHIT.

10/10 - Best war ever! You won’t believe the physics!

The second last one! He says he might do some more, though. If not, we’ll have to make them ourselves and lets face it - nobody wants that. 

“Brooker goes on to say any Mario platformer has more “innovation” and “sheer joy” than what most TV series achieve in their entire life-span. And claims that Half-Life 2 is ten times more exciting than the best episode of 24, which he loves. Perhaps, it’s about time Charlie Brooker stopped covering TV and started writing more about games, no?”

Dear Kotaku,

You look like idiots. A quick look at Wikipedia would have told you that dear Charlie has ‘been there and done that’ when it comes to writing about games, you stupid fucking cunts.

I mean, anyone daring to masquerade as a professional journalist would at least do a google and mention his tenure at PC Zone, right?

Fucking Americans.

If you have played Guitar Hero then you know what to expect. This is the ultimate rock star simulator, and by that I mean you have to press buttons in time with the music. Not just any buttons! The ones it tells you. But more about that in a minute. First let’s look at the plot, because any rock star game has to have a plot. And I can tell you that Guitar Hero II doesn’t disappoint anyone.

In this game you start off as a lowly rock band called Electric Rocks (I called my band this but you can call it anything you like). You start off playing in schools until you earn enough experience to move on to cafes and stadiums. At the end you’re playing somewhere really brilliant! But I won’t spoil it for you because it has to be seen to be believed. So if I told you without you seeing it, you wouldn’t believe me.

When you do see it you will be really impressed because they graphics this time are much better. It runs at a smooth 55fps all the way through, which is a massive improvement on last years 50fps. I hope they continue this improvement through the franchise to meet with fans expectations. Also, the crowds are much more interactive. They look like they all have their own AIs, which really adds to the feeling of immersion.

The graphics aren’t the only thing that is improved though - now you can play two people at once. If you suck there is a practise mode and there are also unlockable extras you can buy if you’re good enough. These are really great and provide unlimited playability as you strive to unlock them with your skills.

Overall I’d say I was massively disappointed with this version. Guitar Hero came with one guitar so to improve Guitar Hero II they should have released it with two guitars. Also, there are still only five buttons on the fret board. This is a step backward for the series and many fans will be disappointed. There are still no drums (WHY?) when the community is crying out for them, which is another missed opportunity. Presentation is also very old fashioned as it uses 2D graphics and not 3D, like Ridge Racer.

If you liked Guitar Hero I then you will definitely like this one, but if you didn’t you might want to try before you buy. The gameplay is definitely fun, though, and well worth a look.

Scores
Graphics - 7 out of 10 (the crowds are nice but I could have done the menus better)
Sound - 9 out of 10 (lots of music means almost limitless replayability)
Playability - 10 out of 10 (you will be using a guitar!)
Overall - 3 out of 10 (not enough extra features make this a rubbish sequel)

They fixed it!

Phew. I don’t know about you but I was fucking BORED with Tony Hawks games! Whizzing around so fast you can barely control where you’re going, jumping and hitting the kickflip button within a frame or two and then jamming on the grind button because you know that wherever you land you’ll be grinding, because there’s just so much shit everywhere. Exploring every level looking for a bowl and then doing the same four jumps, grinding round the lip in specials, jump off, Ahh Yeah manual, flatland tech, focus, rinse, jump, land, five million points, WOO!

Fucking hell, I can only do that so many times. I basically ran through American Wasteland in a day and that was a day I’ll never get back. And I couldn’t help myself. I *have* to play each Tony Hawks game because I just can’t let it go. I can’t forget how fucking amazing it was exploring the system properly in THPS3. I remember The Ship like it was yesterday, and every game since I’ve looked for that same experience and hey! I always found it. And now I’m fucking bored of it.

Project 8 has loads of things brilliant about it, like not having to choose Sick or Hard at the beginning and risk playing through nearly the whole game only to find out I’ve gimped my character because I can’t do a combo with 21 natas spins and five cavemen in it. Like the spot challenges that make ad hoc skating sessions feel like they’re achieving something, even though you’re just there for ten minutes to do the truckstand in focus mode. But really it’s just brilliant because it’s a bit slower, a bit prettier and they’ve stripped away everything wrong with it, leaving only the best bits. It’s everything I want in a Tony Hawks game but haven’t had for so long. I can gap hunt again and maybe one day find them all. I can plan my skate line rather than have it dictated to me. I can just cruise around and mess about, like I would if in the real world if I could actually skate. And I can leave monster combo scores online.

Finally! A Tony Hawks game in which you can enjoy the skating. With no fucking vehicles.

Scores
Online reviews - 7.8 out of 10
Graphics - much bigger out of smaller
Pogos and pivotting manuals - 9 out of 10
Truckstand - 10 out of 10
Pogos and pivotting manuals and truckstands all in one combo, but slow enough that you can actually see them, in a wide enough space that you can be doing them while moving - 15 out of 2
Features - 3 out of 10
Gameplays - 200 out of 10
Need for features and content - non-existent
Number of weapons Master Chief should be able to carry to make the game better - 10
What would make Super Monkey Ball a better game - weapons and fighting
Number of power-ups that would make F-Zero a better racing game - LOL
Number of extra colours that would make Shadow of the Colossus pretty - 16 million
Overall - 9 out of 10 (not an average)

The first thing you have to do is touch an old man. He gets excited by this and starts to ask you for personal information. Then he gets chased by the authorities for a bit. While he’s on the run he lures a young boy into his vehicle and shortly after that he forces you to touch the little boy, which also gets him excited. Throughout the entire game you are encouraged to play with his puppy and touch the little boy. You are not the little boy at any point, the game is very clear about this, you merely touch the boy at the behest of the old man. You can also go online and make contact with other little boys.

Clearly the best game ever.

Scores:
Graphics - anal rape out of 10
Sound - do you want to see my puppy out of 10
Playability - drugged and violated out of 10
Lifespan - not drugged but still violated out of 10
Overall - he told me he was 16 out of 10