Affectionate Diary

It’s only in the fucking post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THREE DAYS TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUNNING OUT OF EXCLAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you stupid? Can’t get your Brain Training score lower than 80? Eat your own shit for breakfast? Then this is the guide for you!

Each month I will help you score higher in a different minigame in the popular-but-ball-achingly-dull Prof Something’s Brain Training, a game that shows that all the academics who hate games really want is fame and adulation. They couldn’t care less about us!

This month’s FAQ focuses on the mentally exhausting X20 Calculations minigame.

*** TABLE OF CONTENTS ***

I. Version History
II. Frequently Asked Questions
III. Calculations Basics
A. Addition Basics
B. Subtraction Basics
C. Multiplication Basics
IV Credits

I. Version History

Version 0.10 (29/06/2006): Began work on this guide. Outlined the sections, and started on the Version History section.
Version 0.20 (29/06/2006): More or less finished the Versions History section. I have the feeling, though, that I’m missing something there. Had a wank.
Version 0.30 (29/06/2006): Finished wanking.
Version 0.35 (29/06/2006): Thought about the Addition Basics section. Seems like a lot of hassle. Can’t think of anything funny to blog about, though.
Version 0.40 (29/06/2006): Started on Addition. This’ll take a while, I think. Harder than I initially predicted.
Version 0.50 (29/06/2006): Addition section is proceeding. Added a FAQs section.
Version 0.60 (29/06/2006): Removed FAQ section.
Version 0.70 (29/06/2006): Listened to radio.
Version 0.80 (29/06/2006): Played with knob a bit. Unable to muster enough strength to have another wank so soon after completion of previous one.
Version 0.90 (29/06/2006): Searched net for pictures of Keeley Hazell. Some luck!
Version 0.91 (29/06/2006): Wanked.
Version 0.92 (29/06/2006): Did Subtraction section.
Version 1.00 (29/06/2006): Did multiplication section.
Version 1.01 (29/06/2006): Thought about a third wank.
Version 1.10 (29/06/2006): Boss has complained that I am wanking in the office too much.
Version 1.10a (29/06/2006): Added a FAQs section. Thought about if that should have read “an FAQs section”.

II. Frequently Asked Questions

Q. It doesn’t register my handwriting, why is that?
A. You are using the Japanese version. Try writing the answers in Japanese.

Q. It doesn’t understand what I am saying, why is that?
A. You are using the Japanese version and speaking in English. Try speaking in Japanese. If this proves difficult, swap all the L and R sounds around for maximum scores.

Q. Can I reproduce this guide anywhere?
A. No, you fucking dickwad, I rely on this shit to put food on my plate. How would you like it if I walked into your house, shat in your mouth and had sex in your wife’s bottom? Exactly.

III. Calculations Basics

A. Addition Basics

0+1 = 1
0+2 = 2
0+3 = 3
0+4 = 4

And so on. If you substitute any of the numbers for any other numbers, adjust your calculations accordingly.

B. Subtraction Basics

Subtraction is one of the four basic arithmetic operations; it is essentially the opposite of addition. Subtraction is denoted by an minus sign in infix notation.

The traditional names for the parts of the formula
c − b = a
are minuend (c) − subtrahend (b) = difference (a). The words “minuend” and “subtrahend” are virtually absent from modern usage; Linderholm charges “This terminology is of no use whatsoever.” However, “difference” is very common.

Subtraction is used to model several closely related processes:
1. From a given collection, take away (subtract) a given number of objects.
2. Combine a given measurement with an opposite measurement, such as a movement right followed by a movement left, or a deposit and a withdrawal.
3. Compare two objects to find their difference. For example, the difference between $800 and $600 is $800 − $600 = $200.

In mathematics, it is often useful to view or even define subtraction as a kind of addition, the addition of the opposite. We can view 7 − 3 = 4 as the sum of two terms: seven and negative three. This perspective allows us to apply to subtraction all of the familiar rules and nomenclature of addition. Subtraction is not associative or commutative— in fact, it is anticommutative— but addition of signed numbers is both.

C. Multiplication Basics

Remembering 9’s
What’s 9 x 7 ? Use the 9-method! Hold out all 10 fingers, and lower the 7th finger. There are 6 fingers to the left and 3 fingers on the right.
The answer is 63!
This method works with any numbers.

IV Credits

I would like to thank the author of Itsy and Shigsy for being a lazy fucking cunt and not doing any more strips. This blog has really gone downhill since he started playing Rumble Roses XX. Get your fucking cock out of your hand and get drawing. Jesus, we can’t keep people reading when our ideas are as weak as this.

If I’ve missed something, please contact me at: affectionatediary@googlemail.com Unless you’re a spammer, in which case PLEASE DON’T CONTACT ME!!!!!!!!!

(Oh, and in case you didn’t get my little hint above–NO SPAM, PLEASE!!!!! I still hate spammers.)

(And if I’ve missed something then PLEASE! Read my FAQ first before you email me with your inane question. I have a life too, you know!!!)

For GRAW’s new content.

FUCK. OFF.

“Medic! Need healing.”
“I have a health pack here, come over and I’ll heal you.”
“Medic! I said medic! Are there any medics here?”
“RIGHT HERE. I’m HERE. There’s a medic HERE. Let me HEAL YOU.”
“Where’s the fucking medic! I need healing! Why won’t anyone answer me?!”
“I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE YOU DICK, STAY STILL SO I CAN HEAL YOU.”
“Jesus, no need to shout. I’ve been calling for ages.”

And so it goes on. The dance of irregularly failing voice comms is just one of the many quirks that makes Battlefield 2 on the 360 that little bit realer. That little bit more chaotic. That little bit more, well, shit, I suppose. And I hate it for that. I hate it for having shit voice comms that drop in and out, and the erratic ranking system, no option to set up private games (clan games definitely don’t count), for allowing the players to vote on which maps it wants to do (Backstab again?) and for the total lack of community support on the official forums.

But - BUT - I also fucking love it. I love laying mines, I love running behind my team mates and healing them, I love never being the engineer, I love moving from cover to cover, I love war. I love war. I never thought I’d say that. I’ve always taken a stand against war games because, well, they’re so dull to look at. And BF2 is dull to look at, for sure. But it puts me there, in combat with my friends, moving from point to point trying to seize the upper hand, and it makes it fun, somehow. And it all feels quite real. Obviously not that real since actual war is rubbish. No respawns, no health pack, tons of camping, friendly fire if you pick the American side and nobody lets you fly the chopper.

Scores -

Tanks - 3 out of 10. Because I drive it into a bush and it blows up. Fuck off.
Choppers - 2 out of 10. Because everyone else is invincible in them and I can’t fly them without making a detour into a building.
Engineers - 1 out of 10. Because they have NO splash damage on the bazookas you fucking idiots! Well, ok, some, but not much. Fucking hell, why is everyone an engineer?
Support - 9 out of 10. Air strikes and healing? HELL YEAH *whoop whoop*
Backstab - bored out of 10.
The oil rig level - 9 out of 10. Hold the bridge! Chuck grenades in! Dude, protect my back! Dude! Dude? Dude!
The graphics - 3 out of 10.
Community support via the forums - minus a million out of six billion.
Voice comms - a negative mark so low, it breaks the laws of mathematics
Protecting your homies’ backs - 11/10
Cantonese voices on the Mandarin-speaking Chinese soldiers - ignorant Americans out of 10.
Playability - 10 out of 10
Lastability - infinite replayability
Addictingness - 9 out of 10
Lag - absolutely no lag out of 10

Overall (an average of the scores) - 12 out 10 when it’s working, 2 out of 10 when it’s not.

I sat there last night, on the toilet, trying and failing. So I picked up my toilet book, A Brief History of Nearly Everything, and I flicked through. Realising I always did that I went straight to the first page to guarantee I got something I hadn’t read recently, and started on Bill Bryson’s reasonable attempt at portraying the scale of the universe. As he moved from protons to solar systems, my brain struggled to comprehend just how big everything is, and how small everything is. It really is impossible. But I tried, and tried, and tried, and then EUREKA! My bowels exploded in a symphony of plopping delight.

Bill Bryson really knows how to get shit out. I don’t recommend reading his books unless your trousers are already down.

I finally got my copy back from a friend last night. Although I’ve lost my 100+ hours save I still have the urge to play this game. A quick hour of running through the tutorials last night to re-acquaint myself with the system before Disgaea 2 arrives has made me think a couple of things.

Firstly, I now think Makai Kingdom is the best place to start your Nippon Ichi journey. The way it eases you in, the streamlined system, the slightly more ‘casual’ metagame (though casual is definitely not a word I’d use to describe it outside of this comparison) and freedom of party development all make Makai Kingdom the better starting point. Which is kind of a shame, since by the time it came out most people had either decided Nippon Ichi games weren’t for them or they’d already learned things the hard way (ie playing Disgaea first).

Secondly, I’d forgotten how bewildering Disgaea is. How did this game score so highly across the board when it’s so impenetrable from the start? Did everyone understand it better than I did? Or was everyone content to play the game with only minimal understanding? Or, did we all think we got it after 10 hours and it’s only now, with 250+ Nippon Ichi hours under my belt, that I have begun to realise the genius at work.

This month’s issue of Retro Gamer has something very wrong.

A Jaguar article.

It’s not the subject that’s wrong. That actually turns out to be moderately fascinating. The wrongness is the fact that they appear to have printed a draft rather than the final copy. Either that or placing [random words in] brackets throughout [the article] is some brave, avant-garde assault on the aesthetic conventions of printed type.

I won’t dwell on that as my real beef is something a lot more serious. Well, at least to me.

I like technical info. I can kind of understand it and when placed in the context of a good explanation, it helps me understand the hardware I play games on. This understanding makes the magic all the more magical, as it exposes the true scale of the effort programmers put in and bridges the gap between the real and abstract components of a videogame, bringing two previously disparate understandings together in some drug-crazed harmony inside my head.

I remember reading an old Edge article about the 3DO that went into the ram-to-video memory architecture in a depth that impressed me, mostly because I couldn’t understand it. That had rarely happened to me in over a decade of reading videogame mags and I think that prompted my growing desire to understand the technical aspect of gaming hardware and software. Actually, I tell a lie. Tech Niche in Crash regularly stumped me, but that bit was never about games so fucking fuck off, ok?

SORRY.

This Jaguar article skimps on the technical detail to a depressing degree. In the sole paragraph dedicated to the technology that makes the Jaguar such an oddity, the claim is made that the machine contained true 64-bit chips. However, we are not told how the chips were 64 bit and instead are told more about the Motorola 68000, but in a tone that suggests it was custom silicon itself, rather than a staple processor of the 16-bit age. They even left out the mandatory fact/legend that the 68000 became THE processor of choice for washing machines. Instead of a technical overview of the Jaguar’s exotic innards, we’re told that a 64-bit chip from 1993 is rubbish compared to a 32-bit chip from today, again without any explanation of why!

The problem here is that the lingering 64-bit question is resolved by having a programmer saying “yes! It is 64-bit!”. The custom DSP chips are not explained in any way, nor are any of the juicy tidbits like the hardware bugs, which are briefly referenced in the most simple terms possible. Much is made of the Jaguar’s power when programmed correctly, but none of the claims are backed up with reference to the hardware’s capabilities. I’m left knowing nothing new about the hardware, having read less information that I’d get on the console’s own sales sheet.

I know it’s a massive geek-out to want that kind of info, but to me it’s a fascinating glimpse into the darker, mysterious underbelly of videogames. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants to read something in a videogaming mag that’s out of his depth. It’s not as if Retro Gamer can’t get the info (people have reversed engineered gaming hardware to death in the race for universal emulation) and we can understand it if we read it enough times and ask some really geeky people on the internet.

Gimme the geek knowledge!

It’s a fucking magazine about old games. It’s already broken the geek barrier about a million fucking times so wtf?!?!

I bought my first 360 dashboard theme last night from Live Arcade. 150 pts. The Street Fighter II one, obviously. What a TOTAL ripoff. A couple of average-at-best pictures in the background and a colour change on the blades? RUBBISH. I have about a million better SF2 pics on my PC and from various guides over the years. There is some amazing artwork out there, which Capcom must surely own the rights to.

Also, is that what themes are? Background pics with colour changes? I had hoped for the graphic on the blades to change at least. You know, instead of a simple straight-ish line sliding over the screen I want Ken doing a dragon punch, or Blanka spinning. That’s worth spending money on. Not changing the colours. Cunts.

The gamer pics are good, I suppose. Pretty cheap for something that should basically be free with the game. I’d like to see elite gamer pics. You know, if you hit five million in Geometry Wars you get a special gamer pic so that everyone knows you’re just better. Maybe they exist already and I just haven’t seen them. I mean, I have, obviously, I just choose not to show them. I HAVE A BIG WILLY TOO.

Also - Battlefield 2 Modern Combat has been patched. Some changes have been made that were annoying the community, apparently, and they fixed the voice comms problem. Only they didn’t. You STILL can’t hear what anyone is saying half the time. They just removed the fucking graphic that lets you know someone is speaking. What a total con. I only realised because my friend called me up and said “I’m standing next to you shouting, can’t you hear me?” No I fucking well can’t. At this rate we’ll have to play Perfect Dark Zero. And nobody wants that.
And while I’m on BF2, there has been absolutely zero community support on the official forums since April. Cunts.

It’s ok to call an entire corporation a cunt, I think, but I’d better not call Nick Pateman a cunt, or he’ll close us down LOL

In the demo, there’s an option to turn up the sensitivity of the steering. I did this and I reckon my car got much nippier. I still found things a bit unresponsive at super high speed, though. Another thing that’s still fucking me up is going off the road, but that’s mostly because I’m too used to the likes of Burnout, Ridge Racer and PGR3.

I’M GOING TO KEEP THE FAITH IN THIS ONE.

Hopefully enough people have complained about the handling that it’ll get tweaked before release.

Jesus Suki, you’re such a fucking pessimist.

Seriously, where the fuck is it? I want it BAD. I need it. I need a screen full of stats that look boring but actually offer me REAL ULTIMATE POWER over my team, how it works, how I play the game and how I RAPE bad guys for exp. and dollar$, yo.

Expression of oneself through mathematics. It doesn’t get any sexier than that.