Affectionate Diary

If IO, the developers of Hitman had any self re-cocking-spect, they’d make sure at least ONE of the levels in their latest installment had an Amiga 500 playing that now-excruciatingly shit intro to Psygnosis’s landmark shooter.

However, the sinful admission of that particular Easter Egg doesn’t diminish the invigourated joy that a logical progression of Hitman’s sandbox-of-killing provokes in me. I fucking love this shit.

Becoming quite the stalwart, Bloodmoney deviates little from the series template, providing a decently diverse range of colours with which to paint its asassination canvas. Now a fairly solid collection of intermeshing routines, obstacles and means of action, Hitman soldiers on in an entirely familiar vein, providing me with exactly what I wanted.

Disappointing but entirely consistent with the roughly-hewn nature of previous entries, Blood Money has polish in the right places but not quite enough to hide all the game’s mechanistic workings. Also missing are obliging accomodations for exactly the kind of obsessive player the game demands for its greatest challenge. A sorrowful showing of minimal statistics is all the player has as a record of their misdemeanours, fleetingly presented at the end of each level before a results-generated newpaper arrives - a newspaper that shows some observation of the player’s style has taken place, but not smart enough to name them by signature killing methods or provide forensic details of how the mission slipped from a professional stealthathon into a corner-creeping massacre.

Besides these ultimately minor disappointments, Hitman: Blood Money does its thing admirably well. It’s a superb collection of killing-by-puzzle environments with both the intellectual depth and visceral combat to satisfy any terrifyingly gun-obsessed media professional.

As for those wanting tips on any particular kill, this is the best advice I can give:

wtf i just shut him them teh face with the nailgun lol

SCORE:

Death Graphics: 8/10.

“The old-gen engine shows its limitations, but some scenes undoubtedly impress. The Mardi Gras is fucking wicked and I can’t wait to get in there with a suitcase bomb and a loaded M4 with the drum clip bang bang bang bang bang bang bang”

Humour: 10/10

“You’ll fucking piss yourself when you set off ANOTHER remote mine at the Whitehouse Security gate, blowing up the soldiers body-bagging the civilians you blew up five minutes earlier.”

Soundz: 1/10

“The gunshots are actually shit. Maybe even the shittest. The music’s a bit poncey too, especially at the beginning.”

Killing: 1000/10

“This game is pure killing x1000. Fans of the genre will love it!”

Lasers: -1000/10

“There are only lasers as security devices. You cannot use them as weapons.”

Manual: 1,000,000/10

“I write manuals and this one is fucking sweet.”

OVERALL:

9/10

Bloody Wicked.