The first of a series of GROUND BREAKING interviews in which the tables get turned, as journalists get interviewed by anonymous industry PR, Suki, whose identity is a total secret known by no-one.
Suki - First off, I’d like to thank you for your time today. Can I ask you to please introduce yourself and explain what you do.
Tom - My name is Tom and I play computer games. I work for Eurogamer, and spend most of my day writing things about computer games, which I obviously play as well. Though usually not during the day because COMPLETE JERKS keep MSNing, emailing and phoning me to ask me to post shit about their stupid online games on my website. “Oh Tom!” they exclaim, flapping their digital arms oh-so-manfully, “please can you help me! By putting this video of a man clicking on an orc or a robot or some sort of one-legged lesbian witch-elf archetype on your website! They’ll whip me if you don’t! You must help me - I’m so convincingly sincere.” I fucking hate those people. Anyway, it’s a good racket, and I care about it deeply even though that’s a bit sad really compared to people with proper lives like on TV.
Are you a gay lol?
I tell people I’m not, but have only anecdotal evidence to support this.
It has been widely acknowledged that are rubbish at games, not even being able to get past level three in WoW. How do you live with yourself?
That *I* am rubbish at games, do you mean? At least I can write fucking sentences! I live with myself because at least I have a fucking USB cable to put LocoRoco on my PSP unlike you you sentence-breaking scumbag retard. Also, which of us is it that has all-platinums on PGR3? Because I read somewhere that that was your new year’s resolution. I’m not noticing a lot of fulfillment there. Anyway, this entire line of questioning is so fallacious that I’m not going to bother defending myself.
Affectionate Diary has had the misfortune to witness you playing Guitar Hero sitting down. Everyone knows that real rock gods don’t play sitting down. Extreme sat down when they sang More Than Words. What excuses do you offer?
It helps me gather my nerves when I’m surrounded by a crowd. Which I was. Because I’m HOT.
The videogames journalism community has always known how rubbish you are at karaoke. Affectionate Diary recently tore you a new vocal chord at a karaoke face off. How long did you cry for and how long have you been a big cry baby?
First of all, I reject the premise of the question - I am so good at karaoke that your ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTY booed me out of envy. Second, I believe that you are forgetting a number of key elements of that evening of karaoke: 1) you were bested, 2) you played naked jenga with A REAL GAY having FOLLOWED HIM BACK TO HIS HOUSE, and 3) you were out-Marillion-ed by Ste. Which even HE was surprised by.
Which members of Affectionate Diary do you think you could have in a fight?
I don’t know who Boss Nonnu is but I could have whatever-Tony-calls-himself and I’d probably just watch you do lots of bendy leg nonsense then shoot you in the head, Indiana Jones style, so
What makes you say that?
Why do you doubt yourself?
Hrm. I might even answer this one semi-seriously, dragging it into a broader context (not unlike the manner in which I would drag your corpse around after me like a trophy for several days). I have always suffered from a certain amount of self-doubt and insecurity. I… actually I can’t be bothered.
Honestly, you might not go down really quickly.
Are we still on this?
When masturbating to pictures of the new Lara Croft, how many minutes can you last?
I haven’t actually ever masturbated to a pictue of Lara Croft. Zoe from Spooks though, who does the voice, so I expect that counts. In which case - actually I’m not answering that.
Do you think this is how long you would last in actual sex with the new Lara Croft?
And finally, why did you cheat in our Mario Kart DS time trial competition?
You mean the time I was so brilliant I accidentally learned how to do the advanced techniques without even realising, thus embarrassing you so completely that you stopped posting times for Mario Circuit 1 out of fear and dread? I wouldn’t call that cheating.
Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions. We wish you luck in all that you do.
That’s fine. Now how about you answer some of mine?
That seems only fair.
Did you know that people often make constant gay jokes to hide their own sexual indecision?
Are you saying you want to sleep with me?
Given that you wear a tank top when you play Guitar Hero, will you be petitioning for the inclusion of Right Said Fred in GH2?
That is an excellent suggestion. Can I borrow your Right Said Fred Greatest Hits CD so that Harmonix can hear what your favourite band sound like? I’m sure they will be Deeply Dippy for them LOL
Why is it that even though I am prepared to TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU (and actually have, providing you count “a shot of vodka and soy sauce” as a bullet, and my liver certainly did), you continually goad me about stuff you know isn’t true?
Generally speaking, I have no respect for human life. Specifically speaking, everything I have said is TRUE. You simply can’t handle my confrontational style of interview.
And how come, even though I’m ALWAYS on Xbox Live when you are, you never ever invite me to play PGR3?
Is it fear?
Fear of breaking your will to live, yes.
Because that’s what it certainly looks like. Also, will you cut my hair? I’m scared to go to a real place.
Do I look like a fucking hairdresser?