Every time I read a review of Animal Crossing I see something along the lines of “geared for 15 minutes of play a day.”
Are we even playing the same game? 15 minutes is barely enough to talk to each resident in my town once, let alone hunt for fossils or fish. How about checking the lost and found for new items? And the recycle bin fills up fast (Goose throws away everything I send him. I don’t know why, his house is a shit hole). Or at least it does when you’re sending eight letters a day. Some times more. Hell, just one letter can take me 15 minutes to write. And fruit picking. And shell collecting. And looking at my collections in the museum. And shaking trees. I mean, 15 minutes? Fuck off. It’s at least an hour a day. Obviously none of these reviews are concise enough to give you a clear picture of this game’s merits and faults, so allow me to provide:
The Definitive Animal Crossing: Wild World Review.
I give this game - 109/10
Aurora the penguin. I loved her. I visited her (nearly) every day. I taught her new greetings. I sent her new clothes. We laughed, we cried. Well, we laughed. Anyway, the point is, I got really mashed over Hogmanay and then when I turned my DS back on, the stupid fucking penguin bitch had gone! Not even a warning! At least Static warned me. I wooed him with presents till he stayed, even though he was always rude to me. But this stupid fucking penguin bitch left me, just like all the other women in my life. I fucking hate her.
Goose the, er, chicken. Possibly a goose. Anyway, he’s all about the muscles, right, and I can dig that. Really big fucking muscles, working out every day, doing press-ups, I love it. I sent him a t-shirt and then he put it in the recycling bin. What a total cunt. I sent him that shirt especially, because he said to me “I sweat a lot, so I need a lot of clothes.” Then he throws it away. What a fucking cunt.
Static the blue thing with a lightening strike on his head. Probably not even an animal. Always rude, always saying “what the HELL do you want anyway?” I mean, what kind of language is that to use? I could be 12! 12-year-olds don’t know how to swear. Jesus. Anyway, he’s a total cunt.
Brewster the, er, actually, I’ve not even looked at him. He’s always hassling me. Won’t let me take my time with my coffee. It’s always “drink it! Drink it now! While it’s fresh!” Yeah? Well don’t brew it so fucking hot then, you dick. Another total cunt.
Tom Nook the raccoon. He is a raccoon, right? Anyway, his shop was a small rickety hut when I met him and now, thanks to all the stuff I’ve bought from him, including my house which has the worst bedroom ever, he’s got a fucking super market. And you know what? He hasn’t ever given me a discount. Not even some flower seeds, which are only 80 bells. Despite me making him the man (raccoon) he is today. Cunt.
Kula the koala. Just goes “tsk tsk” at me all the time. FUCK OFF YOU BINT. You’re not getting my chic furniture for your bullshit house.
In fact, you know what? Everyone in this game is a total cunt. They’re always asking me for stuff, or making me run errands, or telling me my house isn’t cool enough. Don’t play this game if you’re a weak self-pitying fool. By the time you’re done you’ll have killed yourself.