I love it when people try to write about things they don’t really understand. Let’s look at some examples of people trying to write ‘above their station’, if you’ll excuse the terminology. And let’s use Bayonetta as an example, because most 16-year-old critics have attempted to go to town on this one in the way a child tries to go town on a picture of a fire engine and then just ends up throwing red paint all over the walls shouting “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and there’s not a single fucking fire engine in sight. And the kid’s pants are covered in shit and piss and they don’t even know it.
TVG - “the allusions to sadomasochism are part of a much more complex and subtle ballet in the game’s design”
I must have missed that.
“if you’re a real glutton for punishment, then you may as well play through the whole campaign”
They did actually like it, though.
Team Xbox - “Swinging from pseudo-philosophical analyses of Heaven and Hell to dolly and crane shots of cleavage and asses, it is perhaps the most objectifying and demeaning imagery in a mainstream game this generation.”
Whatever. They also spent the whole fucking article moaning about how shit they are at the game. Here they are commenting on the lack of impact each health power-up has -
“This feels indicative of a common thread in the game, that of a difficult time finding an identity.”
And then - “Bayonetta is difficult to evaluate critically in ways that only games are: Should I judge it for the hours of fun I had and its frequent brilliance”
And finally -
“While for the most part Bayonetta takes liberally from character action titles that have come before”.
Would those be the games that the Bayonetta team made, or the games that other people made that copied all of their ideas in the first place? YOU FUCKING MUG.
Play.tm - “a pitiful two-button combo system”.
You know you can use dodge in combos, right? And shoot? That’s four buttons. Just saying!
And also - “points to a worrying lack of innovation on the part of developer PlatinumGames”.
I mean, sure, all they’re doing is flexing the template they created and everyone else got wrong. I’ll give you that. There’s no innovation in game structure there. The innovation is purely in presentation and artistic direction. I guess all music isn’t innovative, because it’s just the same instruments. And only Avatar is innovative in the cinema, the rest of films are just 2D. I mean apart from all the other 3D films. I suppose if you were reviewing a rainbow you’d have to mention that there’d been thousands that come before, and they were all basically the same.
“At first viewing, Bayonetta really isn’t very good at all.”
Don’t fucking make me come over there. I will kick your stupid fucking ass into your face.
“those willing to look closer by pushing through a mundane and mediocre first hour”
“the simplistic attack system is a control masterstroke offering astounding variety and versatility”
Ok, ok, I’m calming down a bit. I’m still fucking having you, though.
“An unrivalled showcase of imagination and creativity, Bayonetta is potentially 2010’s game of the year before 2009 has even ended.”
Ah, we were playing the same game after all, you backtracking bunch of monkeys! I didn’t really understand the 2010/2009 comment, but I’ll presume that’s because I’m stupid. You must be more intelligent because all of your sentences are really long, ponderous and full of flowery fucking nonsense words that I’d normally only see in a GCSE-level short story.
1UP - “She’s an abnormally skinny witch with an abnormally large ass”.
Not so much stupid as wrong. Come on! Her ass is perfect! On the off chance this statement is correct I’ll spend a few hours tonight checking it out.
Planet Xbox 360 - “The panoptic online reception”
This one’s going to be good!
“Encounters are an amuse-bouche of isolated groups of enemies”
Shit, he might just be more intelligent than me. I should probably Google that to see what he means.
“If immersion is a bullet, Bayonetta never reloads.”
Shit! I fucking love that quote. In fact, here’s the link - http://www.planetxbox360.com/article_9170/Bayonetta_-_Review
James Anaipakos I salute you. You have, however, totally fucked up this post. Fortunately, Giant Bomb is here to save the day -
“There’s a permeating hypersexuality here that could be derided as being deeply misogynistic just as easily as it could be hailed as a beacon of post-feminist self-actualization”
Thanks for that, Giant Bomb! What else do you have to say on the matter?
“the absurdity in Bayonetta is so bone-deep that it doesn’t really matter one way or another.”
YEAH, I FUCKING THOUGHT SO.
“it’s possible for just about anything to happen, and in Bayonetta, it usually does.”
Surely… I mean…. nah, there’s no way you just…
“it kind of emphasizes just how Japanese this game is”
Ace Gamez - “It’s the kind of game that makes God of War’s Kratos look like a soft touch and it’s not every day you hear someone saying that.”
“Everything is overblown, exuding the kind of testosterone you get in a typical Cliffy B interview, yet re-calibrated with a kickass x-chromosome”
Good ol’ Cliffy B! Of course, he’s asked for us to refer to him using his full name from now on, because he’s a serious developer. That’s why Gears of War 2 was 18-rated. He’s GROWN UP.
Spong - “a perplexing mix of pure button-mashology”
I can’t decide if this is good or bad. It definitely means they can’t play games, though.
“to be honest, these guys are pussies”
Have they been reading Affectionate Diary?
“there is nothing wrong with grown men getting a perv on”
Just Push Start - “Bayonetta is one hot, sexy mama. Her portrayal in the game can be considered as slutty, but she has killer moves that will make you wet your pants.”
I would change the “but” to “and”, but that’s just me.
“Just because this is an action game, doesn’t mean you can just push one button and finish the game.”
I hate those kinds of action games! The ones in which you just push one button and then it’s over! They’re such a rip off. They should at least say on the box that the playing time is three seconds. I mean, I’m paying good money for my games!
“With Bayonetta, you can do a lot of hits in the enemy by combining the gun, kick, and punch buttons.”
Oh right, I see. Sorry, I wasn’t being fair. I didn’t realise this review was being written by somebody whose first, or even second, language isn’t even English. That probably makes sense in Kanji.
That one was just for Boss Nonnu.
“Her sexy look will not only attract male gamers, but she will make you fall in love with her personality.”
To be fair, that’s pretty accurate.
And finally, let’s finish with something spectacular. Here is Burn360’s finest moment -
“if you liked the heart pumping action sequences of Modern Warfare 2 campaign you will love Bayonetta”
Thank you for playing.