Affectionate Diary

Welcome to the next installment in Affectionate Diary’s internationally lauded series of interviews with journalists, in which Affectionate Diary FLIPS THAT SHIT ON ITS HEAD, HOMES, and interviews journalists. Which seemed funny at first but we’re kind of running out of things to ask.

This week, we’re proud to present the only journalist in the industry who knows more words than the dictionary does, and possibly the internet.

Hi! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer these questions. Let’s start with a little introduction for our readers, please. Who are you and what do you do?

Hullo! My name is Dan Griliopoulos (regularly monikered Grill) and I am both full-time reviews editor on Xbox 360: The Official Xbox Magazine and a freelance whore. I pimp out my own squalid ass for the sponduliks necessary to maintain my luxurious lifestyle, and that’s only working for Microsoft. (Ironic laughter follows, breaking rapidly into heartfelt sobs.)

Many consider you to be games journalism’s most evil, vindictive, all around NASTY son of a bitch. PRs dread dealing with you and Jon Hicks of Windows XP: The Official Magazine has gone on the record as saying that he wouldn’t like to fight you on fair terms, even though he really wants to cave your fucking head in. What do you have to say for yourself?

I never forget a face, though I tried really hard with yours. Jon and I have a deep spiritual link that transcends the understanding of mere mortals. (It’s something to do with quantum entanglement that affects the Micro(soft)chips implanted in our prosencephalons.) For this reason, we understand truly the squalid depths of the human soul and loathe the race of men in general, each other in particular. To be honest, he’s all talk anyway. He couldn’t squash a gnat without running it past the boys in Redmond. Wimp.

Sorry, we were talking about Evil weren’t we? Yes, I have certain pride in being… evil. Someone needs to provide a sense of balance to the moral sphere and I’m glad that my reputation reflects the obsidian glosses of my psyche. You PRs have it too easy, too many of your victims are taken in by your glib lies and fail to realise that they’re being manipulated. I feel that my random assassinations of games, dissemination of dastardly rumours and general vicious ratlike behaviour might strike the fear of god into you scum. (Also I look cool in Fable, what with the glowing eyes and horns. And I get to use really cool powers in KOTOR.) When the revolution comes, you’ll be just after the lawyers and garden gnome owners. (N.B. These are solely my opinions, and are not necessarily those of my magazine. The fucking cowards.)

Let’s talk about your feud with the wonderful, fair and just Jon Hicks for a moment, if we can. We all know about your famous public spats, but when did it actually all start? And did you *really* say you wanted to **** his *** with your big ****?

It was very hard to pronounce all those stars but, being the last native speaker of both Aramaic and Cornish, I managed. Hicks, I spit on his name, p’tooh! Hicks! Our…disagreement started back in ‘84 when we were both at the secret Microsoft base beneath Bognor, having our control chips implanted, and Bill Gates decided he wanted to see us fight for his pleasure. Obeying the Glorious Leader (long may his name live in infamy!) and stripping down to our loincloths, we… (If you want to find out what else happened, you’ll have to download the full movie Hot Hacks 3: When Geeks Attack from The Official Micturosoft Official Porn Official Server. Official.) …and then we had some toast. It was lovely!

Of course, everyone can remember that brief week where you both made up and moved in together, only to fall out later over a Tempest high score argument.

Is that the game where you take control of a out-sized tropical storm in order to water-damage a town in America, thus hastening the advent of mid-term elections and distracting the world’s media for many months from true suffering and starvation happening on an industrial scale elsewhere in the world? No? Oh.

Archer Maclean was brought in to check the machine’s highscore table for tampering and it turned out that you had modified your score in order to beat Jon’s.

I did it with Minesweeper too, on all his machines and he never noticed! Ha, eat that, Hicks!

Obviously this sort of dispicable behaviour is par for the course for a man of your nature, but what I want to ask is - are you a gay lol

You see, this is what I hate about PRs. Always prying into your lives, sticking their unwonted noses in, using long-lens photography to get insalubrious snaps of us, infringing the privacy of us poor hard-working types who’ve only agreed to a no-holds barred interview with some glamour shots. Not like us journalists, models of probity one and all. Like my hero Piers Morgan or that guy who helped the government kill David Kelley. And their spelling is terrible. What if I was a gay lol? Would you dare to ask question then? Yes, you would. You’re almost as Evil as me. I admire that, you filth.

You are well known for having digs at your co-workers behind their backs. Last week you said something mean about Gary Cutlack. Because he doesn’t read this, it’s quite safe to repeat yourself, so please, tell our readers what it was you said.

Bloody Cornish tyke, forcing his pasties on us, reaming us with his extreme talent and modest silence. I’m going to out him. HE LIKES PISSING ON R KELLY AND FANCIES THE STEAMING CORPSE OF RICHARD “TWICE NIGHTLY” WHITELEY! (And he writes the immensely influential and funny UK Resistance). The sod.

And finally, because I can’t think of any more questions and because I loathe reading everything you write, can you sum up everything you hate about the world, including why you think Serenity didn’t get the recognition it deserved and whether or not you would bone Tom Cruise.

I’m bored now. Can I go home? Oh, hate? Well, I think I’ve expressed hate at the world in general, life in particular, but let me think. Is there anything that rouses me to especial indignation? Hum, lack of complexity, ignorance of true storytelling and sticking to rigid formulae pisses me off whatever the context, but particularly in games. Oh, and the poor. And immigrants. And people who care about things. And what does Suki mean anyway? Is you surname Fiddydollah?

Enough!

The latest installment in the long-running, LEGENDARY series of industry interviews in which the tables are TURNED ON THEIR MOTHER FUCKING HEAD(s) as the journos are asked confrontational questions that force them to look into their dark souls and ask themself - “am I a gay lol?”

This week we couldn’t find anyone of consequence. Sorry about that.

First off, I’d like to thank you for your time today. Can I ask you to please introduce yourself and explain what you do.

My name is John Walker, and I am a rogue games journalist. I wander from magazine to website, helping others, putting right what once went wrong, and then before anyone can ask me why, I’ve moved on, with just my dusty footprints left along the road. None can understand me – none can know my true pain, or the reason why I set out on this long, long journey.

Are you a gay lol?

I can only assume this means, “Are you a gay laugh-out-louder”, to which I’d probably have to say: yes.

When Affectionate Diary was first introduced to you, you were described as “PC Gamer’s leading adventure game expert”. Does PC Gamer editor Mark Donald hate you?

He does. But it’s that sort of hate that goes back through the years, based on his own actions. You see, it was a young Mark Donald, back when his hair was… oh, exactly the same, who first hired me. He’ll never be able to have not done that, even if he invents a time machine, because I already have a time machine and went forward in time to just before when he invented a time machine and stole his quantum pulse capacitor and hid it in the year 34,050 (where only his haircut will have survived). I imagine he’s also jealous.

Mark Donald is the UK’s Bloodbowl champ. Is that better or worse than being the Warhammer 40k champ?

Is that true? I don’t think that’s true. They’re both worse than each other, in a crazy ever-escalating bid to be more worst than the other, spiralling off into a dark, dark place. Hang on – I’m going to look that up because I don’t believe you…

…Oh dear. I don’t think it is true, and also I read a frightening Google result about Mark Donald’s oversized friend “dick”.

The joke is on you! Mark Donald is ACTUALLY the UK Bloodbowl champ! Or was. Either way, he fiddles with miniatures and likes it.

I’m not convinced the final resting place of this joke is on me.

Have you ever painted a small lead figurine?

No, and I’ll thank you kindly to keep your filthy allegations to yourself in future. I once was given one in the 80s though by some computer games designer friend of my dad, I think. But I was too scared of it because my parents told me lead was poisonous.

So you’re basically saying you hate Mark Donald, a marvellous, benevolent man?

I think we may have our Mark Donalds mixed up. I was referring to the tyrant king of PC Gamer, who rules with an iron rod, one storey high.

What do you think of people who do it on a regular basis?

Is this a sex question? If so, I think jealous thoughts.

What would you do to the girls who date these people?

I knew it was a sex question. I think that if I were to “do” the girls who were going out with the guys who paint lead figurines, then they might get cross with me, and while perhaps of a small, weak stature from their lack of exposure to the elements, they have huge amounts of lead at their disposal and the only poison I had was the toilet cleaner but that ran out the other day. And what if they have become immune to poison from all their lead painting, because I bet the paint’s got poison in it too, and then even if I did still have some Toilet Duck they might be totally immune, or it might even make them MORE powerful. So no, I would not do anything to them.

Let’s go back to our first meeting again. During that meeting you had terrible hair. Affectionate Diary forgets which colour it was, only that you looked like you’d just stepped off a plane from Chernobyl. Since then you’ve made similar hair mistakes. To what do you attribute this
frankly grotesque experiment with colour?

Hang on? I’m beginning to get some inkling as to who you might be! So far your true name has eluded me, so-called “Suki”, but this might have been your downfall! I can conclusively prove from this line of questioning that you are in some way involve in, or have read about, the games industry! AHA!

Yes, quiver in fear. I will expose you.

As for my hair – it was an investment in the future that has finally come to fruition. I knew that by marking my hair in such a way, in a few years time it would be the key to uncovering the identity of someone writing a blog about something. You walked right into my trap, “Suki”, or should I say… SOMEONE SOMEHOW RELATED TO THE GAMES INDUSTRY!

(The identity of RAM Raider is only one bottle of Live XXL away).

Please don’t allude to lesser industry blogs whilst answering my questions. If my upfront, confrontational style upsets you, simply break down into tears.

I think you’re rather over-honouring Rammy with the term “industry” there.

Your last five review scores, as listed on your blog, have an average score of 4.6/10. Do you hate games?

You cannot ever understand. My past is a secret, enveloping me in the enigma you can’t quite see before you, but mark my words (on an IGN scale so I definitely get over 7/10) - I will find the game who killed my parents. And it will suffer. And if a few games that should have got 9/10 have to suffer along my journey, that is a small price to pay.

Which games do you hate the most?

Stupid, horrible management sims, since you asked. What kind of idiot gets home from work and thinks, “What I’d like to do more than anything else right now is some pretend work,”? (Is that right? Should it be a comma at the end and then the question mark after the closing speech marks, or should it have been a full stop?) I don’t even do ANY proper work, and indeed already am at home when I am working, and even THEN the idea is still so monstrously moronic that if I were to even think about it for a second I would actually die. Apart from Rollercoaster Tycoon, which is great.

Let’s talk a bit about your unremarkable new project, Not Enough Owls. Although the premise is sound, the general execution is somewhat lacking. Do you attribute this colossal failure to your partnership with known imbecile Tom Bramwell?

I don’t know what you’re talking about… Oh, wait. You must mean the new, excellent blog by the erudite and mysterious writers, ‘botherer’ and ‘Daggerpanda’. It really is incredible, isn’t it? I’m not sure why you, Suki, should think either Tom Bramwell or I would have anything to do with it.

Anyway, Tom Bramwell is the nicestest man ever in the whole history of time, and is also super-funny, so I can only imagine you’re seething in jealousy. Also, I haven’t noticed you losing 10 stone in weight recently. I think you should do that.

I think that would cause my immediate death, since I weigh only 11 stone. I did recently gain a stone and a half, though. I’m stacked! Do you want to feel my muscles?

The whole causing your death thing was the point of… OH NEVERMIND. I’d like to feel your heart muscle, pulsing its last few meagre beats as I crush it betwixt my fingers.

What is your favourite type of owl?

The wisest ones. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And Tawny.

How many times can you twist an owl’s head all the way around before
it snaps off?

Infinite. They’re heads aren’t actually attached to their bodies, as is commonly (but stupidly) thought. They are in fact floating in a magnetic field generated by their necks, which is how they are able to look right behind them. We’re not meant to know, but if you watch sometimes they turn their heads back the other way than they first turned them, which is a real giveaway.

And finally, how long do you think you could last having sex with the new Lara Croft? Real life, obviously, we’re not some sort of depraved SICKO who fantasises about making sweet love to female characters in games, no matter how much they turn to the screen and wink at you.

I’m a bit confused. You do realise that Lara Croft doesn’t exist in real life? So if fantasising about having sex with her, it would surely have to be the fictional character? So, ignoring your stupid question, I’ll write my own:

John, you delightful man of whom I’m incredibly jealous and also a bit in love with, for how long do you think you could last having sex with the new Lara Croft who is a games character and whether she’s real or not it’s hardly relevant since this is a hypothetical question?

I’m glad you asked. Because the new Lara Croft in Legend is in love with ME and no one else, and she said so through a series of extremely subtle gestures which others would think were simply idle animations. I would last probably about 35 seconds.

Thank you for your time.

This is paid by the word, right?

Second in a long running series that attempts to tackle the tougher issues in videogaming, Affectionate Diary recently had the good fortune to speak to games journalism heavy weight Kieron Gillen.

First of all, I’d like to thank you for your time today. Can I ask you to introduce yourself and explain what you do.

I’m Kieron Gillen and I do very little. As little as possible, in fact.
TRUE FACT - At the moment, I’m watching KLF videoes and just gawping.
What I do for cash is…
i) Write about stuff
ii) Wind up people by using long words with a relatively straight face
iii ) And that’s about it

Are you a gay lol

Let’s go with “Yes, I am a homosexual”.

Excellent.

Because I like to represent.

A while back you coined the term New Games Journalism. Or maybe it was Nu Games Journalism. Since then, untalented hacks who can do nothing of worth and continue to knock people with INCREDIBLE levels of talent such as ourselves have done everything in their power to go on and on and on and on about how it’s all a load of rubbish. Please use a word to describe these hacks that I will need to look up to understand.

I think they’re lovely. Which you may have to look up. Depending how dense you are.

Although you have been seen in public on many occasions, at press events and comic book expos, you have never been seen without your big goth coat. Is that because you carry a shotgun and pretend to be the Equaliser?

I’m not pretending. I prefer to think of myself as the last man in a squad of Syndicate warriors, desperately trying to complete the mission.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many d’s in his name?

He’s gree-D.

Should that have actually been “ds”?

And I’m hurt you’re not TERRIBLY IMPRESSED BY MY PUN.

Of course I am, I am merely remaining professional.
Now, should that have actually been “ds”?

I refuse to answer that question, for fear of taking a production editor’s job. I’m no scab.

You are one of only two journalists in the UK that have ascended in the original Guild Wars campaign (to my knowledge). Who do you think the other is?

I bet they’re lovely too. Is it someone on PC Zone?

You are skirting the issue.

Is it Ben Ex-Edge? It’s the sort of thing he may do. Because he doesn’t give the impression of having got out much either.

Good guess! But it’s not. It’s actually Rick Porter from gamesTM.

Bless Rick Porter. Are you sure he didn’t just buy an ascended character off E-bay?

Tim Edwards from PC Gamer is widely recognised as an unethical gamer. First there was Ultimagate, then there was Civ4gate. Can you shop him for any other disgusting online scams?

Edwards, beneath the Tintin-esque exterior, is a moral monster. I’m glad that people are beginning to know better than trust that rosy-cheeked grin.
I almost told the story about apparently Ben Edge slagged me off for a year before having met me, but I’ll spare you. It’s not much of a story. Just apparently he did. Had about a dozen people wander up and tell me “You know - Ben Edge is being really mean about you”. And I was entertained, having - y’know - never met him. Then we went on a trip. And I think we got on fine. So I occasionally wonder whether he still hates me or not.
PEOPLE ARE SO COMPLICATED.
Anyway - yeah, Tim’s a bastard. Never play against him. He’s currently trying to threaten everyone with tales of five-star on hard on “More Than A Feeling”.

TOTAL LIE. Tim is rubbish at games, there’s just no way

Yeah. He was probably using a trainer or something.

Do you take your coat off when you go to bed?

Mostly.

I know you like comics and comics are for kids. Do you like kids in *that* way?

The way Dave Taurus Likes them?

Sure.

No then. I respect them in the morning.

How long do you think you would last having sex with the new Lara Croft?

The game character or the model?
YOU INTERVIEW TOM BRAMWELL BEFORE ME?
TOM?

He was the testing ground, you are the crowning achievement. Anyway, the game character or the model? - both.

At once? Not long, I’d bet. Though I dare say I’d have some interesting things to say about relation between the Text and Reality afterwards, which I’ll sell to the Escapist for a small pile of coins. And kind of take up the baton laid down by that Sexual New Games Journalism article they ran. Though to please UK Reistance, I’ll be sure to give both game-model and real-model marks out 100 for graphics, playability, sound and lastability. As I don’t think I could stand the barbs of their satire again.

Thank you for your time.

My pleasure.

The first of a series of GROUND BREAKING interviews in which the tables get turned, as journalists get interviewed by anonymous industry PR, Suki, whose identity is a total secret known by no-one.

Suki - First off, I’d like to thank you for your time today. Can I ask you to please introduce yourself and explain what you do.

Tom - My name is Tom and I play computer games. I work for Eurogamer, and spend most of my day writing things about computer games, which I obviously play as well. Though usually not during the day because COMPLETE JERKS keep MSNing, emailing and phoning me to ask me to post shit about their stupid online games on my website. “Oh Tom!” they exclaim, flapping their digital arms oh-so-manfully, “please can you help me! By putting this video of a man clicking on an orc or a robot or some sort of one-legged lesbian witch-elf archetype on your website! They’ll whip me if you don’t! You must help me - I’m so convincingly sincere.” I fucking hate those people. Anyway, it’s a good racket, and I care about it deeply even though that’s a bit sad really compared to people with proper lives like on TV.

Are you a gay lol?

I tell people I’m not, but have only anecdotal evidence to support this.

It has been widely acknowledged that are rubbish at games, not even being able to get past level three in WoW. How do you live with yourself?

That *I* am rubbish at games, do you mean? At least I can write fucking sentences! I live with myself because at least I have a fucking USB cable to put LocoRoco on my PSP unlike you you sentence-breaking scumbag retard. Also, which of us is it that has all-platinums on PGR3? Because I read somewhere that that was your new year’s resolution. I’m not noticing a lot of fulfillment there. Anyway, this entire line of questioning is so fallacious that I’m not going to bother defending myself.

Affectionate Diary has had the misfortune to witness you playing Guitar Hero sitting down. Everyone knows that real rock gods don’t play sitting down. Extreme sat down when they sang More Than Words. What excuses do you offer?

It helps me gather my nerves when I’m surrounded by a crowd. Which I was. Because I’m HOT.

The videogames journalism community has always known how rubbish you are at karaoke. Affectionate Diary recently tore you a new vocal chord at a karaoke face off. How long did you cry for and how long have you been a big cry baby?

First of all, I reject the premise of the question - I am so good at karaoke that your ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTY booed me out of envy. Second, I believe that you are forgetting a number of key elements of that evening of karaoke: 1) you were bested, 2) you played naked jenga with A REAL GAY having FOLLOWED HIM BACK TO HIS HOUSE, and 3) you were out-Marillion-ed by Ste. Which even HE was surprised by.

Which members of Affectionate Diary do you think you could have in a fight?

I don’t know who Boss Nonnu is but I could have whatever-Tony-calls-himself and I’d probably just watch you do lots of bendy leg nonsense then shoot you in the head, Indiana Jones style, so
watch it.

What makes you say that?

Swagger.

Why do you doubt yourself?

Hrm. I might even answer this one semi-seriously, dragging it into a broader context (not unlike the manner in which I would drag your corpse around after me like a trophy for several days). I have always suffered from a certain amount of self-doubt and insecurity. I… actually I can’t be bothered.

Honestly, you might not go down really quickly.

Are we still on this?

When masturbating to pictures of the new Lara Croft, how many minutes can you last?

I haven’t actually ever masturbated to a pictue of Lara Croft. Zoe from Spooks though, who does the voice, so I expect that counts. In which case - actually I’m not answering that.

Do you think this is how long you would last in actual sex with the new Lara Croft?

…

And finally, why did you cheat in our Mario Kart DS time trial competition?

You mean the time I was so brilliant I accidentally learned how to do the advanced techniques without even realising, thus embarrassing you so completely that you stopped posting times for Mario Circuit 1 out of fear and dread? I wouldn’t call that cheating.

Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions. We wish you luck in all that you do.

That’s fine. Now how about you answer some of mine?

That seems only fair.

Did you know that people often make constant gay jokes to hide their own sexual indecision?

Are you saying you want to sleep with me?

Given that you wear a tank top when you play Guitar Hero, will you be petitioning for the inclusion of Right Said Fred in GH2?

That is an excellent suggestion. Can I borrow your Right Said Fred Greatest Hits CD so that Harmonix can hear what your favourite band sound like? I’m sure they will be Deeply Dippy for them LOL

Why is it that even though I am prepared to TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU (and actually have, providing you count “a shot of vodka and soy sauce” as a bullet, and my liver certainly did), you continually goad me about stuff you know isn’t true?

Generally speaking, I have no respect for human life. Specifically speaking, everything I have said is TRUE. You simply can’t handle my confrontational style of interview.

And how come, even though I’m ALWAYS on Xbox Live when you are, you never ever invite me to play PGR3?

OMG CHALLENGE!

Is it fear?

Fear of breaking your will to live, yes.

Because that’s what it certainly looks like. Also, will you cut my hair? I’m scared to go to a real place.

Do I look like a fucking hairdresser?