Welcome to the next installment in Affectionate Diary’s internationally lauded series of interviews with journalists, in which Affectionate Diary FLIPS THAT SHIT ON ITS HEAD, HOMES, and interviews journalists. Which seemed funny at first but we’re kind of running out of things to ask.
This week, we’re proud to present the only journalist in the industry who knows more words than the dictionary does, and possibly the internet.
Hi! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer these questions. Let’s start with a little introduction for our readers, please. Who are you and what do you do?
Hullo! My name is Dan Griliopoulos (regularly monikered Grill) and I am both full-time reviews editor on Xbox 360: The Official Xbox Magazine and a freelance whore. I pimp out my own squalid ass for the sponduliks necessary to maintain my luxurious lifestyle, and that’s only working for Microsoft. (Ironic laughter follows, breaking rapidly into heartfelt sobs.)
Many consider you to be games journalism’s most evil, vindictive, all around NASTY son of a bitch. PRs dread dealing with you and Jon Hicks of Windows XP: The Official Magazine has gone on the record as saying that he wouldn’t like to fight you on fair terms, even though he really wants to cave your fucking head in. What do you have to say for yourself?
I never forget a face, though I tried really hard with yours. Jon and I have a deep spiritual link that transcends the understanding of mere mortals. (It’s something to do with quantum entanglement that affects the Micro(soft)chips implanted in our prosencephalons.) For this reason, we understand truly the squalid depths of the human soul and loathe the race of men in general, each other in particular. To be honest, he’s all talk anyway. He couldn’t squash a gnat without running it past the boys in Redmond. Wimp.
Sorry, we were talking about Evil weren’t we? Yes, I have certain pride in being… evil. Someone needs to provide a sense of balance to the moral sphere and I’m glad that my reputation reflects the obsidian glosses of my psyche. You PRs have it too easy, too many of your victims are taken in by your glib lies and fail to realise that they’re being manipulated. I feel that my random assassinations of games, dissemination of dastardly rumours and general vicious ratlike behaviour might strike the fear of god into you scum. (Also I look cool in Fable, what with the glowing eyes and horns. And I get to use really cool powers in KOTOR.) When the revolution comes, you’ll be just after the lawyers and garden gnome owners. (N.B. These are solely my opinions, and are not necessarily those of my magazine. The fucking cowards.)
Let’s talk about your feud with the wonderful, fair and just Jon Hicks for a moment, if we can. We all know about your famous public spats, but when did it actually all start? And did you *really* say you wanted to **** his *** with your big ****?
It was very hard to pronounce all those stars but, being the last native speaker of both Aramaic and Cornish, I managed. Hicks, I spit on his name, p’tooh! Hicks! Our…disagreement started back in ‘84 when we were both at the secret Microsoft base beneath Bognor, having our control chips implanted, and Bill Gates decided he wanted to see us fight for his pleasure. Obeying the Glorious Leader (long may his name live in infamy!) and stripping down to our loincloths, we… (If you want to find out what else happened, you’ll have to download the full movie Hot Hacks 3: When Geeks Attack from The Official Micturosoft Official Porn Official Server. Official.) …and then we had some toast. It was lovely!
Of course, everyone can remember that brief week where you both made up and moved in together, only to fall out later over a Tempest high score argument.
Is that the game where you take control of a out-sized tropical storm in order to water-damage a town in America, thus hastening the advent of mid-term elections and distracting the world’s media for many months from true suffering and starvation happening on an industrial scale elsewhere in the world? No? Oh.
Archer Maclean was brought in to check the machine’s highscore table for tampering and it turned out that you had modified your score in order to beat Jon’s.
I did it with Minesweeper too, on all his machines and he never noticed! Ha, eat that, Hicks!
Obviously this sort of dispicable behaviour is par for the course for a man of your nature, but what I want to ask is - are you a gay lol
You see, this is what I hate about PRs. Always prying into your lives, sticking their unwonted noses in, using long-lens photography to get insalubrious snaps of us, infringing the privacy of us poor hard-working types who’ve only agreed to a no-holds barred interview with some glamour shots. Not like us journalists, models of probity one and all. Like my hero Piers Morgan or that guy who helped the government kill David Kelley. And their spelling is terrible. What if I was a gay lol? Would you dare to ask question then? Yes, you would. You’re almost as Evil as me. I admire that, you filth.
You are well known for having digs at your co-workers behind their backs. Last week you said something mean about Gary Cutlack. Because he doesn’t read this, it’s quite safe to repeat yourself, so please, tell our readers what it was you said.
Bloody Cornish tyke, forcing his pasties on us, reaming us with his extreme talent and modest silence. I’m going to out him. HE LIKES PISSING ON R KELLY AND FANCIES THE STEAMING CORPSE OF RICHARD “TWICE NIGHTLY” WHITELEY! (And he writes the immensely influential and funny UK Resistance). The sod.
And finally, because I can’t think of any more questions and because I loathe reading everything you write, can you sum up everything you hate about the world, including why you think Serenity didn’t get the recognition it deserved and whether or not you would bone Tom Cruise.
I’m bored now. Can I go home? Oh, hate? Well, I think I’ve expressed hate at the world in general, life in particular, but let me think. Is there anything that rouses me to especial indignation? Hum, lack of complexity, ignorance of true storytelling and sticking to rigid formulae pisses me off whatever the context, but particularly in games. Oh, and the poor. And immigrants. And people who care about things. And what does Suki mean anyway? Is you surname Fiddydollah?